Bouts of Insomnia

I am once again awake past midnight. I would love to be able to fall asleep as soon as my head hits my pillow, but that is simply not the case. On a positive note, I suppose that my bouts of insomnia provide me with more time to read. I read the following today, and was left feeling contemplative:

"Not a single star will be left in the night. The night will not be left. I will die and, with me, the weight of the intolerable universe. I shall erase the pyramids, the medallions, the continents and faces. I shall erase the accumulated past. I shall make dust of history, dust of dust. Now I am looking on the final sunset. I am hearing the last bird. I bequeath nothingness to no one."

~Jorge Luis Borges

Three IS a crowd

On Saturday night I went to meet up with Megan at the Coffee Bean in Whittier. As always, I ordered a small Earl Grey iced tea. The man at the counter asked me if I wanted anything else, how could I resist the huge chocolate chip cookie at the counter. I said, "I will have the over-priced chocolate chip cookie." He smiled and I completed my transaction. I was pleasantly surprised when he handed me a large tea instead. I suppose this was to offset the price of the cookie.

Megan and I had a great conversation. It was as though I were on a roller coaster. We were up, then down and oscillating to a rhythm only we understood. After about an hour of conversation, she excused herself to use the restroom. So there I was sitting outside at our table, when I overheard two biker men saying they needed one more chair. Our table had three chairs and we only needed two. I said, "excuse me sir, you can use this extra one, we only need two." He walks over and sits down on the chair, invading my personal space. I would imagine that any other person would have been frightened or perhaps just felt like getting up. No, not me, I am used to being around strange people. This is what followed:

Me: Woah buddy, you're a little too close.
Man: (backs up) Hello, I am 61 years old and just rode in on my Harley.
Me: No kidding, so what are you a Mongol or something (totally being sarcastic)?
Man: No way man, I left that shit a long time ago! Those guys just like killing people for no reason! I used to hang out with them and they were getting into drugs and killing so I said "I'm getting the hell out of this shit." They killed a bunch of guys out in Vegas. Then they had a lot of problems with the Hell's Angels. Now I just try to talk young people into getting out of that way of life.
Me:: That's great and noble of you.
Man:: Yep, so what's your name?
Me: Melissa (totally not my name)
Man: My name is Jean Pierre (in a french accent) parle vous francais?
Me: (Laughing)Ugh, no.
(Suddenly, I receive a text)
It's from Megan "where are you"
I reply "I'm here"
Then I turn around and she is right next to our table. I say, "Meg, I'm right here!"
Meg: (Looking bewildered) Hey...
Me: (Grinning like a Chesire cat) Hey Meg, this is Jean Pierre.
Meg: Hi, nice to meet you I'm Megan. (Looks at me like "who the hell is this")
Me: (turning toward man) It was great meeting you but you are going to have to relocate because we are having a really heavy, personal conversation...
Awkward silence
Man: Ugh, yeah...it was nice meeting you too. I'm supposed to meet up with a young man right now. He isn't here yet. Trying to talk him out of running with bikers. Take care.
Meg: who the hell was that????
Me: (laughing) I have NO idea.

The moral of the story: If there are three chairs and you only need two, keep your mouth shut and put your purse on the extra chair.

Ramble on

Well, it has been a while since I have last written. I have been consumed with many dilemmas, and bouts of insomnia. Sprinkled in between the latter have been wonderful experiences, and encouragement from unexpected places. I am happy that the weekend is finally here because I am eager to spend my Saturday at the beach. I will also be meeting up with Megan tomorrow night.

On a more somber note, I am missing my niece and nephews right now. Last year around this time we had spent a week in San Diego, visiting Coronado Beach and Sea World. I haven't seen them since September, and long to embrace them. I wonder what they are up to. I wonder if they are thinking about me too.

I am at a loss for words right now. I suppose I will end this by expressing the extreme anxiety I feel after finding out that I am teaching ProACT training again this summer. My boss is an amazing human being, and I would never tell him no, but I seriously am not up to it. So now I have a month to stress about what examples I will use for the training yada yada yada... I also have to start painting Elsa's birthday present. I am looking forward to it.

It is written...

I received this email in my inbox today from a friend:

I'm glad I met you. Your random, bizarre often incomprehensible messages always cheer me up. It's nice to know someone out there will abruptly stop in the middle of the day to tell me something completely spontaneous, often interesting, sometimes superfluous.

I guess your false idol, Alan Watts, is right. I've lived my whole life believing I was here for some purpose, always looking ahead to the next step, never content with my environment. I wanted to escape from elementary school, I wanted to escape from high school, I wanted to escape from college...now I want to escape from my job. I look back now and see how I've pissed it all away. How many friendships, how many happy moments, how many awesome experiences did I lose out on because I was looking to fulfill my non-existent purpose instead of simply enjoying life? For the longest time I always said, "I just want to get through life as quickly and painlessly as possible, I want to do whatever I was put here to do and then leave." What a waste.

Whatever. Nothing left to do but move on, keep charging forward, into oblivion.