Monday, December 29, 2008

Long ago



When I was a young girl, my mother would take my siblings and I to Mexico to visit my grandmother for a couple of months out of the year. I can recall in great detail many interesting experiences that occurred during my trips, as well as unique individuals that I encountered.

My friend Bernice from next door and I would walk over to the cemetery that was located up the street from my grandmother's house. We were fascinated by the elaborate tombstones and mausoleums. We would walk around reading the names on the tombstones, making up stories about how the people died. We were always worried that the hand of a corpse would come out from the ground and grab our feet, as punishment for stepping on their tombstones. Sometimes we thought we heard voices, or the rustling of leaves. Other times it was only eerie silence and the sound of our hearts thumping inside of our chests. Once we both ran out of the cemetery screaming because we thought somebody was following us. I would walk over to the area where my grandfather was buried and wonder what he was like. I spoke to him, hoping that he would hear me. Sometimes we would run into Barajas, the man in charge of the cemetery. He would tell us that at times it was necessary to remove bodies from their tombs to make room for the new bodies. "The bodies dance in the fire," he said, as he described the cremation process. A strange man but one with some very interesting, colorful stories.

My friend Dinorah and I would walk over to the river and watch the water as it moved along its familiar path. Women would wash their clothes there and converse with one another about their family lives. We would sit near the river retelling the story of La Llorona. We discussed how every night she would come back to the river to look for her deceased children, as she lamented their deaths (filling the river with her tears). On our way home we would stop by El Pepini's cart to buy some sliced cucumber covered in lemon, salt and chili. The man was always very cordial, one would never imagine that years later he would die from alcohol poisoning.

It's funny how the most salient parts of your life are always the most simple things. I enjoyed hanging out with my friends at the plaza, walking around its perimeter as though we were part of a parade. We would watch the fireflies dance in the night sky, and enjoy the warm breeze that caressed our cheeks. We also enjoyed the attention that we received from the local boys, even if their idea of attention was cracking confetti egg shells on our heads. The people in the town were always having parties. Firecrackers, loud music, great food and a feeling of freedom were all integral parts of the town.

I miss those days. I miss sliding down the handicap ramp in front of the church until my dress was covered in dirt. I miss chasing the chickens in my grandmother's backyard. I miss my uncle with the eye-patch. I miss the storytelling, and the magic that was a part of every trip. Most importantly, I miss my grandmother. A delicate, green-eyed woman with tremendous strength and determination. I hold on to these memories so that I can return there from time to time, and remember that life was not always complicated.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

I want to be a saint



but not at all times, only when it is convenient.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Mrs. Bemis

I finished reading Under a Glass Bell today. The words that decorated the pages were like opiates for me. As I was reading I felt as though I was in a dream, one that I did not want to return from. I can now place this book in my bookshelf along with countless others that have provided insight and inspiration. Tomorrow I hope to finish reading A Spy in the House of Love. I am addicted to words, sentences and complex thoughts. I can't imagine what my life would be like without books. What a dreadful thought. They are my comfort, and as important as the air that I breathe. There will always be a thirst for words, and a hunger for understanding.
Books are a map of the soul comprised of letters, stories and prose.
Each chapter, a reference point.
Each ending, a new way of perceiving the world.

Christmas highlights








Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Dear Jacob

Brother I miss you. Today was your birthday. I called and left a message on your answering machine. I don't know if you heard the sound of my voice, or the desperation that preceded it. There is so much that I want to share with you. I want to shower you with affection, and hold you in my arms. I want to promise you the world, and let you know how much you mean to me. Brother, my heart aches for you. It twists and turns and feels your pain. It screams and paints images in each chamber. However, there are invisible barriers that keep me from you. There is a virus that is eating away at your spirit. I have the antidote, but you are just out of my reach. Know that I love you. That is all that you need to know.

Happy birthday

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Bouts of insomnia

I woke up one morning to the sound of falling objects. At first, I thought that I was still dreaming.
Upon further investigation, I realized that there were thousands of tiny puzzle pieces on the floor next to my bed. The pieces were scattered all over the floor, much like the chaotic stars that adorn the night sky.
I was mesmerized by the mosaic of fragments
I spent several years piecing together what I believed would be a masterpiece. Sometimes I tried to force pieces in places where I thought they belonged, only to find that my attempts were futile.
I wanted desperately to make sense of the disorder
I wanted to view the puzzle in its entirety
It had become my obsession, one that would slowly lure me to insanity
and eventually leave me weary and lonely
the puzzle would pervade my dreams
With the muffled voice of a centaur it attempted to speak to me
I would fantasize about what the end result might be
would it be an image of myself?
I imagined the shape and the texture of each piece
I continued the daunting task of arranging each piece in its designated area
my fingers began to feel like twigs on the branch of a dying tree
Each piece that was placed began to form an image that I could not bear to see,
yet I continued to put the puzzle together
it was my duty, you see
curiosity leads us to do foolish things
After many years, my puzzle was complete
before me was the image of a disfigured man with empty eyes and a ravenous smile
he was thinking of me, accusing me of everything under the sun
in horror I threw the puzzle into the fireplace
I listened to the crackling sound, and watched as smoke ascended into the heavens

I was left with nothing but the memory of an image that I would have given anything to forget

Today I wait for more pieces to fall from the sky
but perhaps these events only happen once in a lifetime...

Monday, December 22, 2008

MMA



I can't wait to get back into the dojo and continue my martial arts training. I am eager to participate in more sparring matches. There is within me a desire to release my frustrations through sparring. I honestly feel such relief after a good match. There is no greater high than throwing blows or kicking someone who welcomes the aggression. For some people drugs is their high. For me, it is martial arts. I will continue to entertain myself with my nunchaku for now. I will not return to the dojo until after Christmas.

Psychic wanted

My friend called me the other day to let me know that he had made it to the next phase of his interview for a job. I wasn't surprised when he informed me that he had applied for a job as a psychic. My friend is a very interesting person with an open mind, and esoteric interests. I typically gravitate towards unique individuals because they appeal to my inquisitive nature. He mentioned to me that I have had at least 30 past lives and confirmed that at one time I was a cat. Some people may find that odd but I think that it is great to let your imagination run wild.

Reality is subjective.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Life is too short to be unhappy...

I believe that the new year will bring the change that I have been needing. It takes courage to let go of familiar patterns. I have spent most of my life making sure that the needs of others were met, meanwhile I have neglected my own. I am afraid of change, but I know that it is necessary if I am to break down the walls of my solitude. I have awakened to the cold reality that the month of December has revealed to me.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Scatterbrain

My mind has been scattered lately. Thoughts continue to collide inside of my mind, causing a tremendous amount of confusion. I haven't been able to write for the past few days as a result of the chaos in my head. When Christmas rears its head, I generally become somewhat withdrawn. There is a part of me that is never completely whole. Every year is a reminder of the people that are absent from my life due to death or dysfunction. Though I am fortunate enough to have many amazing people in my life, it does not negate the fact that there are people that I truly miss.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Amor eterno?


Mom and dad

"Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish it's source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings."
~Anais Nin

I think about my parents, and how at one time they were in love with each other. The more I try to understand love, the more nebulous it seems to me. It is as though we lose our sanity, and only regain it once the spell is broken. We give everything that we have with the hope that the other person will reciprocate. It is a gamble that is worth taking because the pay off is great. When the passion and amorous feelings have dissipated, we once again see with clarity. Mirages disappear, and we see the other person as they truly are. Masks come off and our skin becomes transparent. Sometimes we do not like what we see. Now my parents only refer to each other in negative terms. It is as though they are enemies. Strange how after 20 years of marriage people can behave as though they never loved one another. For them, love is now only a distant memory.

Being in love is amazing. However, it leaves us in a very vulnerable position. Our hearts must be malleable and ready to endure pain. Sometimes it doesn't turn out the way we had expected, and we are left holding tiny fragments of a battered heart. If we are fortunate, someone comes along to help us patch it back together again. Once nurtured, the heart thrives and becomes stronger.

I believe in love, passion and insanity. I can't imagine my life without these three things.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Bookworm

I purchased the following books for myself today. I can't wait for them to arrive!!





Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Idiosyncratic

I have always been a packrat. I have hoarded boxes of mid-terms and papers from college, receipts from trivial purchases, fairies, and other items. Thanks to Chris I have discarded many of the latter, however, there are things that I refuse to discard. I have decided to keep my matchbook collection and "Love is" cutouts from the Los Angeles Times for as long as I live.

Below is just a small fraction of my collection:


circa 1993

My favorite, circa 1994

Given to me by a teacher in high school




My favorites:
circa 1994

Monday, December 8, 2008

The end result






I searched everywhere for the white angel I put on the top of my Christmas tree every year to no avail. I will continue my search, hopefully I find it before Christmas.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

Chris brought home our Christmas tree today. It is a large and magnificent Noble Fir! The aroma of fresh pine now fills the air. We are all very eager to decorate it. Tomorrow we will be putting up the ornaments. For now it is in its natural state, towering over all that is synthetic.

We continued our yearly tradition of visiting the Chino lights neighborhood. This year it appears that not all of the residents were interested in participating. However, we still enjoyed walking around the neighborhood, enjoying the view and taking pictures. We were overcome with a feeling of nostalgia. Most importantly , the kids really enjoyed themselves.



Friday, December 5, 2008

East LA



Our evening began at a church in East LA. We purposely arrived late so that we wouldn't have to sit through the entire hour of mass. I haven't been to mass since I was about 12!! We walked in and took a seat. People were singing church hymns about the Virgen de Guadalupe. After everyone went up to receive communion the real fun began. Aztec dancers entered, dancing to the beat of a drum. It was beautiful to watch, and reminded me of my trip to Olvera Street on the Day of the Dead. Shortly after, several men proceeded to carry a large image of the Virgen de Guadalupe outside of the church. Everyone began to exit the church. Some people carried veladoras, others were singing, as we followed the dancers and the image of the virgen down the street. We arrived at the home that was selected to host the prayer. Children were lined up and given flowers that were then offered up to the Virgen of Guadalupe's image. The group prayed and prayed and prayed...I thought the praying would never end. The Aztec dancers continued dance for the crowd. Lastly, we all enjoyed a bowl of pozole and horchata before we hit the road.

I am not Catholic, nor am I a religious person. I wanted to partake in the festivities because it is a part of my culture. I believe that it is important to preserve the traditions of our ancestors. Being there brought back memories of being with my grandmother in Mexico. Above all, it was a time to spend with my family and enjoy traditions. I felt very happy to be a part of the community.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Random thoughts

I have discovered that working with children is a very satisfying endeavor for me. I especially enjoy working with disadvantaged children, or children with special needs. I never imagined that It would be possible to love working with children even more than I loved working with mentally ill adults. I suppose that it is because I see so much hope and promise in the eyes of children. After working for five years in the mental health field with mentally ill offenders and the chronic mentally ill, I became frustrated at the rate of recidivism and mental decompensation. Many would return to the psychiatric hospitals, others succumbed to drugs, suicide and death. There were rarely happy endings. Most were such amazing, unique and caring individuals. I always wondered if perhaps under different circumstances, and with the proper support, their lives would have taken them toward a different path.

I can distinctly remember the adults that I have crossed paths with on my own journey to adulthood. Their words of encouragement, and optimism filled me with hope. Sometimes I think that hope and love are all we really need to carry us through our struggles. We never forget the acts of kindness rendered by others, nor the sacrifices that others make for us. I made a promise to always pass on the hope that was given to me. I fulfill my promise daily, in my own way, in my humble corner of the world. My desire is simply to make a difference. Chris always makes fun of me and says that if it were up to me, our home would be full of orphans. He is probably right :-) Being around children keeps me grounded in reality. I understand what really matters. Love, passion and the creation of memories.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Child's play


There are times when I think back to when I was about 11 years old and full of adventure. I still have an adventurous spirit, but it has been tamed by societal norms and conventions. I had a neighbor named Anna that lived right next door to me. She was unrestrained, and fun to be around. We would tell our parents that we were going to ride our bikes around the block and instead we would venture off to The Wash. The Wash was located in a remote area near our neighborhood. The Santa Ana River would run through it. There was a steep cliff nearby with a huge tree on the edge. Hanging from one of the tree's branches was a rope. Anna would swing on the rope from the cliff, over the edge and back! I thought she was crazy. I was petrified every time she did it because I was afraid that she would fall off the cliff and die. Of course this never came to pass, and I was always left feeling as though I had missed out on a great experience. One day we decided to go swimming in the river. The water was up to our necks. We took off our clothes, so that our parents wouldn't find out what we had been up to, and jumped in the river with only our undergarments. Anna would scare me by pretending that the current was taking her away. Then she would laugh hysterically when she realized that I was beginning to panic. After our swim, we emerged from the river covered in tiny worms! Disgusted, we headed home to take a shower. Our parents never found out.

The Wash was a sanctuary for both of us where we could talk and bond as friends. I have many fond memories of my friend. We lost touch many years ago when I moved out of the city. I heard that she had been pregnant and had given birth to a still born child. She is now actively involved in the Apostolic faith. It's amazing how much our lives can change over the years.

Anna Banana was one of a kind. She was my partner in crime, and my friend.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Lazy Sunday

I spent the morning cleaning my kitchen and bathrooms, washing clothes, and doing all the other mundane tasks that need to be done. Later we headed out the the retirement home to see Great Grandma Nana. I swear, the woman is 93 years old and is still in great shape mentally. She was showing me the novel that she just finished reading, it was almost 600 pages long. When she saw us she was glowing with joy. She has a difficulty hearing, so I have to practically scream at her when I want to say something. Sometimes her hearing aid will buzz because she has it up to loud. I love her very much. She is a woman of tremendous strength, and has been like a mother to me. I have gone to her many times when I needed advice, or just a shoulder to cry on. I hope that she lives many more years and remains as solid as a rock.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

The I that is Me

Today we headed up to the mountains to embrace nature. We had hoped to frolic in the snow, but there wasn't very much of it. The view was absolutely breathtaking!





Then we went to visit grandma at the cemetery. It was a poignant visit, as well as a time to reflect on the brevity of life.




Later we went out to dinner with Angela to celebrate her birthday. The service was mediocre at best, but we enjoyed the free flan! After dinner she "found" a cat for me to adopt. We named him Samuel Milo Watts. Chris wanted to name him Sam (as in Sam Harris). I wanted his name to be Watts (as in Alan Watts). So after a heated debate we finally agreed upon the name Samuel Milo Watts. Angela said he is handsome, and I concur!

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Turkey day

Yep, it's me...


I was so excited to watch the Twilight Zone today! Watching brought back so many childhood memories. I absolutely LOVE Rod Serling, he was a genius. Watching "To Serve Man" NEVER gets old!

I saw my beautiful Tiger Lily hanging out in my neighbors yard today. I tried to call her over to where I was, but she didn't recognize me. She ran away, and I ran after her calling her name. My neighbors probably thought I was a lunatic (they are correct in their assumption). All this time I thought that she was dead, but she is alive and robust. Hopefully we meet again. I miss her very much.

I had an awesome day, and truly enjoyed hanging out with my family. We enjoyed a delectable dinner, as we listened to Billie Holiday pour her heart out. Later we reminisced, as we sat drinking hot cocoa (with marshmallows!) in front of the fireplace.

Now I am going to sleep.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Amanda


Amanda died in her sleep the day before Thanksgiving. I thought of her today, and how her idiosyncrasies and sarcasm would make me laugh until my cheeks hurt. She was histrionic, and often employed artifice to gain what she wanted. I was truly lucky to have met such an amazing human being. Her beautiful smile could illuminate a dark room. The picture that was used in her obituary was taken on her wedding day, the happiest day of her life.

How fragile and fleeting life is. I am thankful for all of the special people in my life that have loved me in spite of my imperfections and character flaws. Thanks also to Amanda for showing me that regardless of how difficult life can be, we can still find time to laugh and smile.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

The engaged shopper


After two days of bed rest, I had to force myself to get up and run my errands. I went to WINCO foods to purchase everything that I will need to make my Thanksgiving dinner. I dislike going to the grocery store because all of the people walking around me with their carts makes me feel very nervous. People really should be more courteous when traversing the aisles, and the aisles should be wider. I watched as one man left his cart in the middle of the aisle, completely oblivious to the fact that in doing so he was obstructing others from passing.

When I pass shopping carts I look inside of them to see what the person is buying. I watched as a lady filled her entire cart with collard greens. Another person had a few pieces of meat, protein, and peanut butter. Some people bring their grocery lists. I find it amusing to watch them cross out each item after placing the item in the cart. I am too spontaneous for lists. I have tried using a list in the past, but have found that I always end up amending the list as I walk through the store. My recipes are stored in my head. I know exactly what I need, and how much of it I need. No lists are necessary.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Sick day

I am sick with strep throat and extremely lethargic today. I called off from work because I have absolutely no energy. That is all for today.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Carny




I had a friend named Misti that had a gig as a carny. She would make pretty good money hustling people at the balloon popping booth at carnivals. Whenever she was working at a carnival, she would tell me to come out and play the booths for free. She was a great person with an enormous heart. She had been a methamphetamine addict for many years, but had managed to kick the habit. We met at a psychiatric hospital where we both worked together. We shared many interesting moments during our time together. I learned so much from her. I remember a time that we both were attempting to de-escalate a patient. The patient was 6'3, Vietnam vet diagnosed with PTSD, highly aggressive. We went into the TV room where he was arguing with another patient. He turned abruptly, picked up the large TV in the room, put it over his head and was about to throw it at us. My friend Misti and I directed him to put it down as we ran for cover. He did eventually put the TV down, but not before he gave us a really good scare. He could have snapped both of our necks with ease.

I thought of her today because I happened to be at a carnival. I kept looking around, hoping to see her again. However, she was not there.

Only her memory surrounded me.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Friday...

is here, and I am off to the the drive-in.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

There are no angels, only humans with broken wings


I am unable to clench your hand and pull you to safety. I can only love you from a distance. Beneath my gossamer veil I whisper words of hope to you. I send the sparrow to your window to sing you a song that will surround you with my memory. It is the wind that carries your loneliness to me. I capture it, and transform it into words that only you and I can understand. Within you is the seed that will bring you the freedom that you long for. I may never get to see it grow, but I want you to know that the seed is there.

You are never alone...

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Mrs. McCormick

It amazes me that after 23 years I still remember an incident from kindergarten as if it had just happened yesterday.

I sat quietly on the carpet waiting for the teacher to begin her lesson, when suddenly a little girl raises her hand. Mrs. McCormick calls on her to speak. The little girl proceeds to tell her that somebody stole her baseball cards. The teacher begins questioning the students, trying to pinpoint a suspect. The little girl mentions to her that she thinks that I stole them. I was stunned at this ridiculous accusation, I don't even like baseball! The teacher glares at me and directs me to go find the cards, and return them to the little girl. I was frightened, and therefore did what I was told. I remember going straight to the reading area, where all of the comfy pillows were located. All of my classmates were looking at me as I walked over to where I was to begin my search. Tears were streaming down my face. I turned over one of the pillows and lo and behold, there were the little girl's cards!! I looked guilty and I knew it. Weeping I told the teacher that I had no idea how I knew that the cards were there. She did not believe me. That day I went home and told my mom what had happened. My mom went to the school and had a lengthy discussion with Mrs. McCormick. The rest of kindergarten is a blur.

I often look back at how horrible that incident made me feel. If she is still alive, she probably has no recollection of this incident. It saddens me that for the rest of my life I will remember kindergarten as the time when I was falsely accused of stealing some stupid baseball cards!!

Mrs. McCormick you are one mean bitch!

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Sentient beings




I visited an animal shelter today hoping to bring home a cat. As I walked down aisle after aisle of malodorous cages, it saddened me to see sentient beings trapped in squalor. Some dogs sat frightened in the corner of their excrement covered cages. Others barked in desperation, hoping to attract the attention of potential owners. The look in their eyes made me feel helpless. Somberly, I walked over to where the cats were located. I passed by the cat with the missing left eye, several feral cats and a couple of overweight beauties. They all seemed lonesome, I would have taken several of them home if it were financially feasible. I went to find out how much it would cost to adopt. I was shocked when I was told that the cost of adoption was $110! I had a verbal exchange with the woman at the counter about how unhappy I was that I would not be able to provide a loving home for a cat because of cost. Wouldn't it be more efficient to lower the price significantly, thereby increasing the likelihood that people would adopt?

I left the shelter deeply troubled.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Sometimes words are superfluous

In general, I express my emotions in words. However, there are times when I feel the need to draw rather than construct sentences. The following are just some of my "journal entries."






Saturday, November 15, 2008

Spitting out my heart



Today I spent a few hours of my day reading. Reading always brings me a tremendous amount of joy. I re-read House of Incest by Anaïs Nin. Her work is absolutely brilliant. As I read her books, I find that I can relate to her in so many ways. I can remember being completely awestruck the first time that I read House of Incest. I had to pause several times so that I could savor each sentence and digest its meaning. Anaïs Nin possessed passion, courage and freedom. I admire her for not being afraid of expressing her vulnerabilities and most intimate thoughts. With that said, the following quote resonated within my being.

" The morning I got up to begin this book I coughed. Something was coming out of my throat: it was strangling me. I broke the thread which held it and yanked it out. I went back to bed and said: I have just spat out my heart. There is an instrument called the quena made of human bones. It owes its origin to the worship of an Indian for his mistress. When she died he made a flute out of her bones. The quena has a more penetrating more haunting sound than the ordinary flute. Those who write know the process. I thought of it as I was spitting out my heart. Only I do not wait for my love to die."

Friday, November 14, 2008

When it rains, it pours


For a while things are great, and then suddenly the torrential downpour arrives. This is usually how life unfolds. Today I got some bad news. Throughout the day I had to keep asking myself, "is it serious?" I suppose in the grand scheme of things, not really. However, I am human, and it is difficult not to feel sad when faced with unfortunate circumstances. Physically this problem manifested itself in the form of a migraine. Right now, I just want to go in my room and sleep. I had difficulty concentrating while I was at work, and felt somewhat disoriented. What I find interesting is that last night I had a frightening dream. All I can remember is that I was bleeding to death. There was blood everywhere. I woke up terrified, and expecting to find myself lying in a pool of blood. I suppose this was a sign from the unconscious part of my being. A harbinger, foreshadowing what was going to transpire.

Sometimes I wish I could reach into my brain and "turn off" my dreams. Other times it is my obsessive-compulsive nature that I wish that I could amputate.

Of course, for now I must endure what I am faced with. I am ready for the challenge.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Sunshine


I went to visit a little girl that I know at the hospital today. She is currently in ICU. Her parents brought her to the ER after she exhibited several serious symptoms such as vomiting, extreme thirst, and incontinence of bladder. The doctors informed her parents that she had Type 1 Diabetes, she is only nine years old. She will have to watch her diet, and endure insulin injections daily.

She is like sunshine bringing warmth to everyone around her. She amuses me with her obsession with Hannah Montana, and educates me on the importance of knowing who the Jonas Brothers are. I hope that she feels supported and loved, and emerges from this situation with renewed strength.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Writer's block



"Write what should not be forgotten." ~Isabel Allende

When I was a young girl I had a diary that I would write in on a daily basis. All of my adventures, thoughts and emotions were contained within. It remained hidden underneath my bed for a long time. One day I came home from school and saw it on the dinner table. My mom had found it and read every single page. I felt not only embarrassed but betrayed. That day all of the pages were destroyed, but the memories that inspired my writing remained. From that point forward until about the age of 20 I stopped writing anything personal.

However, housed within my body was an insatiable desire to express my inner thoughts and feelings. Words were whirling around in my head, manifesting themselves in the form of dreams. I chose poetry/short stories as my primary method because it was a beautiful way to transform my memories and experiences into something that hopefully others could relate to. I could add some magical elements to my poetry/stories, and carefully craft what I wanted to say. In addition, the process has been cathartic. My poetry book has taken the place of my diary.

I no longer keep it hidden. Its location changes depending on the day. Sometimes it is on the couch, other days it is on the washing machine, and most days it sits quietly next to my nightstand waiting for me to nourish it words.