Monday, December 29, 2008

Long ago



When I was a young girl, my mother would take my siblings and I to Mexico to visit my grandmother for a couple of months out of the year. I can recall in great detail many interesting experiences that occurred during my trips, as well as unique individuals that I encountered.

My friend Bernice from next door and I would walk over to the cemetery that was located up the street from my grandmother's house. We were fascinated by the elaborate tombstones and mausoleums. We would walk around reading the names on the tombstones, making up stories about how the people died. We were always worried that the hand of a corpse would come out from the ground and grab our feet, as punishment for stepping on their tombstones. Sometimes we thought we heard voices, or the rustling of leaves. Other times it was only eerie silence and the sound of our hearts thumping inside of our chests. Once we both ran out of the cemetery screaming because we thought somebody was following us. I would walk over to the area where my grandfather was buried and wonder what he was like. I spoke to him, hoping that he would hear me. Sometimes we would run into Barajas, the man in charge of the cemetery. He would tell us that at times it was necessary to remove bodies from their tombs to make room for the new bodies. "The bodies dance in the fire," he said, as he described the cremation process. A strange man but one with some very interesting, colorful stories.

My friend Dinorah and I would walk over to the river and watch the water as it moved along its familiar path. Women would wash their clothes there and converse with one another about their family lives. We would sit near the river retelling the story of La Llorona. We discussed how every night she would come back to the river to look for her deceased children, as she lamented their deaths (filling the river with her tears). On our way home we would stop by El Pepini's cart to buy some sliced cucumber covered in lemon, salt and chili. The man was always very cordial, one would never imagine that years later he would die from alcohol poisoning.

It's funny how the most salient parts of your life are always the most simple things. I enjoyed hanging out with my friends at the plaza, walking around its perimeter as though we were part of a parade. We would watch the fireflies dance in the night sky, and enjoy the warm breeze that caressed our cheeks. We also enjoyed the attention that we received from the local boys, even if their idea of attention was cracking confetti egg shells on our heads. The people in the town were always having parties. Firecrackers, loud music, great food and a feeling of freedom were all integral parts of the town.

I miss those days. I miss sliding down the handicap ramp in front of the church until my dress was covered in dirt. I miss chasing the chickens in my grandmother's backyard. I miss my uncle with the eye-patch. I miss the storytelling, and the magic that was a part of every trip. Most importantly, I miss my grandmother. A delicate, green-eyed woman with tremendous strength and determination. I hold on to these memories so that I can return there from time to time, and remember that life was not always complicated.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

I want to be a saint



but not at all times, only when it is convenient.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Mrs. Bemis

I finished reading Under a Glass Bell today. The words that decorated the pages were like opiates for me. As I was reading I felt as though I was in a dream, one that I did not want to return from. I can now place this book in my bookshelf along with countless others that have provided insight and inspiration. Tomorrow I hope to finish reading A Spy in the House of Love. I am addicted to words, sentences and complex thoughts. I can't imagine what my life would be like without books. What a dreadful thought. They are my comfort, and as important as the air that I breathe. There will always be a thirst for words, and a hunger for understanding.
Books are a map of the soul comprised of letters, stories and prose.
Each chapter, a reference point.
Each ending, a new way of perceiving the world.

Christmas highlights








Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Dear Jacob

Brother I miss you. Today was your birthday. I called and left a message on your answering machine. I don't know if you heard the sound of my voice, or the desperation that preceded it. There is so much that I want to share with you. I want to shower you with affection, and hold you in my arms. I want to promise you the world, and let you know how much you mean to me. Brother, my heart aches for you. It twists and turns and feels your pain. It screams and paints images in each chamber. However, there are invisible barriers that keep me from you. There is a virus that is eating away at your spirit. I have the antidote, but you are just out of my reach. Know that I love you. That is all that you need to know.

Happy birthday

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Bouts of insomnia

I woke up one morning to the sound of falling objects. At first, I thought that I was still dreaming.
Upon further investigation, I realized that there were thousands of tiny puzzle pieces on the floor next to my bed. The pieces were scattered all over the floor, much like the chaotic stars that adorn the night sky.
I was mesmerized by the mosaic of fragments
I spent several years piecing together what I believed would be a masterpiece. Sometimes I tried to force pieces in places where I thought they belonged, only to find that my attempts were futile.
I wanted desperately to make sense of the disorder
I wanted to view the puzzle in its entirety
It had become my obsession, one that would slowly lure me to insanity
and eventually leave me weary and lonely
the puzzle would pervade my dreams
With the muffled voice of a centaur it attempted to speak to me
I would fantasize about what the end result might be
would it be an image of myself?
I imagined the shape and the texture of each piece
I continued the daunting task of arranging each piece in its designated area
my fingers began to feel like twigs on the branch of a dying tree
Each piece that was placed began to form an image that I could not bear to see,
yet I continued to put the puzzle together
it was my duty, you see
curiosity leads us to do foolish things
After many years, my puzzle was complete
before me was the image of a disfigured man with empty eyes and a ravenous smile
he was thinking of me, accusing me of everything under the sun
in horror I threw the puzzle into the fireplace
I listened to the crackling sound, and watched as smoke ascended into the heavens

I was left with nothing but the memory of an image that I would have given anything to forget

Today I wait for more pieces to fall from the sky
but perhaps these events only happen once in a lifetime...

Monday, December 22, 2008

MMA



I can't wait to get back into the dojo and continue my martial arts training. I am eager to participate in more sparring matches. There is within me a desire to release my frustrations through sparring. I honestly feel such relief after a good match. There is no greater high than throwing blows or kicking someone who welcomes the aggression. For some people drugs is their high. For me, it is martial arts. I will continue to entertain myself with my nunchaku for now. I will not return to the dojo until after Christmas.

Psychic wanted

My friend called me the other day to let me know that he had made it to the next phase of his interview for a job. I wasn't surprised when he informed me that he had applied for a job as a psychic. My friend is a very interesting person with an open mind, and esoteric interests. I typically gravitate towards unique individuals because they appeal to my inquisitive nature. He mentioned to me that I have had at least 30 past lives and confirmed that at one time I was a cat. Some people may find that odd but I think that it is great to let your imagination run wild.

Reality is subjective.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Life is too short to be unhappy...

I believe that the new year will bring the change that I have been needing. It takes courage to let go of familiar patterns. I have spent most of my life making sure that the needs of others were met, meanwhile I have neglected my own. I am afraid of change, but I know that it is necessary if I am to break down the walls of my solitude. I have awakened to the cold reality that the month of December has revealed to me.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Scatterbrain

My mind has been scattered lately. Thoughts continue to collide inside of my mind, causing a tremendous amount of confusion. I haven't been able to write for the past few days as a result of the chaos in my head. When Christmas rears its head, I generally become somewhat withdrawn. There is a part of me that is never completely whole. Every year is a reminder of the people that are absent from my life due to death or dysfunction. Though I am fortunate enough to have many amazing people in my life, it does not negate the fact that there are people that I truly miss.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Amor eterno?


Mom and dad

"Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish it's source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings."
~Anais Nin

I think about my parents, and how at one time they were in love with each other. The more I try to understand love, the more nebulous it seems to me. It is as though we lose our sanity, and only regain it once the spell is broken. We give everything that we have with the hope that the other person will reciprocate. It is a gamble that is worth taking because the pay off is great. When the passion and amorous feelings have dissipated, we once again see with clarity. Mirages disappear, and we see the other person as they truly are. Masks come off and our skin becomes transparent. Sometimes we do not like what we see. Now my parents only refer to each other in negative terms. It is as though they are enemies. Strange how after 20 years of marriage people can behave as though they never loved one another. For them, love is now only a distant memory.

Being in love is amazing. However, it leaves us in a very vulnerable position. Our hearts must be malleable and ready to endure pain. Sometimes it doesn't turn out the way we had expected, and we are left holding tiny fragments of a battered heart. If we are fortunate, someone comes along to help us patch it back together again. Once nurtured, the heart thrives and becomes stronger.

I believe in love, passion and insanity. I can't imagine my life without these three things.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Bookworm

I purchased the following books for myself today. I can't wait for them to arrive!!





Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Idiosyncratic

I have always been a packrat. I have hoarded boxes of mid-terms and papers from college, receipts from trivial purchases, fairies, and other items. Thanks to Chris I have discarded many of the latter, however, there are things that I refuse to discard. I have decided to keep my matchbook collection and "Love is" cutouts from the Los Angeles Times for as long as I live.

Below is just a small fraction of my collection:


circa 1993

My favorite, circa 1994

Given to me by a teacher in high school




My favorites:
circa 1994

Monday, December 8, 2008

The end result






I searched everywhere for the white angel I put on the top of my Christmas tree every year to no avail. I will continue my search, hopefully I find it before Christmas.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

Chris brought home our Christmas tree today. It is a large and magnificent Noble Fir! The aroma of fresh pine now fills the air. We are all very eager to decorate it. Tomorrow we will be putting up the ornaments. For now it is in its natural state, towering over all that is synthetic.

We continued our yearly tradition of visiting the Chino lights neighborhood. This year it appears that not all of the residents were interested in participating. However, we still enjoyed walking around the neighborhood, enjoying the view and taking pictures. We were overcome with a feeling of nostalgia. Most importantly , the kids really enjoyed themselves.



Friday, December 5, 2008

East LA



Our evening began at a church in East LA. We purposely arrived late so that we wouldn't have to sit through the entire hour of mass. I haven't been to mass since I was about 12!! We walked in and took a seat. People were singing church hymns about the Virgen de Guadalupe. After everyone went up to receive communion the real fun began. Aztec dancers entered, dancing to the beat of a drum. It was beautiful to watch, and reminded me of my trip to Olvera Street on the Day of the Dead. Shortly after, several men proceeded to carry a large image of the Virgen de Guadalupe outside of the church. Everyone began to exit the church. Some people carried veladoras, others were singing, as we followed the dancers and the image of the virgen down the street. We arrived at the home that was selected to host the prayer. Children were lined up and given flowers that were then offered up to the Virgen of Guadalupe's image. The group prayed and prayed and prayed...I thought the praying would never end. The Aztec dancers continued dance for the crowd. Lastly, we all enjoyed a bowl of pozole and horchata before we hit the road.

I am not Catholic, nor am I a religious person. I wanted to partake in the festivities because it is a part of my culture. I believe that it is important to preserve the traditions of our ancestors. Being there brought back memories of being with my grandmother in Mexico. Above all, it was a time to spend with my family and enjoy traditions. I felt very happy to be a part of the community.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Random thoughts

I have discovered that working with children is a very satisfying endeavor for me. I especially enjoy working with disadvantaged children, or children with special needs. I never imagined that It would be possible to love working with children even more than I loved working with mentally ill adults. I suppose that it is because I see so much hope and promise in the eyes of children. After working for five years in the mental health field with mentally ill offenders and the chronic mentally ill, I became frustrated at the rate of recidivism and mental decompensation. Many would return to the psychiatric hospitals, others succumbed to drugs, suicide and death. There were rarely happy endings. Most were such amazing, unique and caring individuals. I always wondered if perhaps under different circumstances, and with the proper support, their lives would have taken them toward a different path.

I can distinctly remember the adults that I have crossed paths with on my own journey to adulthood. Their words of encouragement, and optimism filled me with hope. Sometimes I think that hope and love are all we really need to carry us through our struggles. We never forget the acts of kindness rendered by others, nor the sacrifices that others make for us. I made a promise to always pass on the hope that was given to me. I fulfill my promise daily, in my own way, in my humble corner of the world. My desire is simply to make a difference. Chris always makes fun of me and says that if it were up to me, our home would be full of orphans. He is probably right :-) Being around children keeps me grounded in reality. I understand what really matters. Love, passion and the creation of memories.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Child's play


There are times when I think back to when I was about 11 years old and full of adventure. I still have an adventurous spirit, but it has been tamed by societal norms and conventions. I had a neighbor named Anna that lived right next door to me. She was unrestrained, and fun to be around. We would tell our parents that we were going to ride our bikes around the block and instead we would venture off to The Wash. The Wash was located in a remote area near our neighborhood. The Santa Ana River would run through it. There was a steep cliff nearby with a huge tree on the edge. Hanging from one of the tree's branches was a rope. Anna would swing on the rope from the cliff, over the edge and back! I thought she was crazy. I was petrified every time she did it because I was afraid that she would fall off the cliff and die. Of course this never came to pass, and I was always left feeling as though I had missed out on a great experience. One day we decided to go swimming in the river. The water was up to our necks. We took off our clothes, so that our parents wouldn't find out what we had been up to, and jumped in the river with only our undergarments. Anna would scare me by pretending that the current was taking her away. Then she would laugh hysterically when she realized that I was beginning to panic. After our swim, we emerged from the river covered in tiny worms! Disgusted, we headed home to take a shower. Our parents never found out.

The Wash was a sanctuary for both of us where we could talk and bond as friends. I have many fond memories of my friend. We lost touch many years ago when I moved out of the city. I heard that she had been pregnant and had given birth to a still born child. She is now actively involved in the Apostolic faith. It's amazing how much our lives can change over the years.

Anna Banana was one of a kind. She was my partner in crime, and my friend.