Betty

Today I thought a great deal about Betty Dade.

Betty lived across the street from me when I was a young girl. Her son Larry and daughter Lisa were always getting into trouble. They used drugs, and hung out with some very bad people. Betty was a quiet woman that cared deeply about her family. She was your typical grandmother. She loved to bake, and would take great care of her grandchildren. Her favorite hobby was making dolls, and when you went inside her house, there were doll parts strewn across every table and counter top. Her home was always untidy, and being that my sister and I wanted to earn some extra cash, we offered to clean her house for a minimal fee. It was during these cleaning times that I came to know her best. Her room was chock-full of Betty Boop items that she had collected over her lifetime. There were Betty Boop clocks, dolls, pens, mugs mirrors, etc. I looked at the items in awe, wishing that I could take them home. She also had a large bookcase that covered an entire wall of her living room. Sometimes she would grunt, as she climbed up to grab a book from one of the top shelves. My sister and I found her grunting highly amusing and to this day giggle when we remember those times.

I also remember my family and I running outside because we heard people screaming across the street. When we came out, we saw Betty's daughter Lisa, and her then boyfriend running out of the garage naked. They had been cooking meth and started a fire. They ended up having to live in an RV outside of the house until the garage could be repaired.

Her son Larry was always being pursued by the police. One day, he pulled out a gun on an officer, and was consequently attacked by a police dog. He was sentenced to 25 years in Tehachapi State prison. I don't know what ended up happening to him.

I thought about Betty today because I wondered why bad things happen to good people. I wondered why a woman who loved so deeply, and lived an honest life ended up having to endure so much pain.

Betty was killed as she lay in her bed on February,10 2006. She was stabbed numerous times by her 38 year-old roommate. She made a fateful decision to rent out one of the rooms in her house, and it cost her her life.

There is no rhyme or reason to life.

Early morning thoughts

We went to Downtown Disney yesterday. It was tons of fun. Morgan spent the night with Angela, so it was just Chris, Ayva and I. It just ins't the same without her here. When we went out for dinner, I asked for a table for four instead of three. Very strange indeed to only have Ayva around.

Oh, I can't wait to go to Disneyland next week!!

The clean up woman

I was running a few minutes late for work. I decided that I would not worry about making the bed today because it was Chris' day off. No big deal, it would get done at some point. Upon my return, I opened the door only to find that our entire place was a mess. I go in our room and the bed is still unmade. I head into the kitchen and there are dirty dishes in the sink (none of which are mine). Meanwhile, he is killing zombies on TV!! I felt an intense rage come over me. I say to him, "you didn't have time to make the bed?" He says, "it's my day off."

What the heck is that supposed to mean!!!???

Now, I consider myself a reasonable person. Okay, so it's your day off. You want to relax, but for corn sake, are you really incapable of cleaning up after yourself? I proceeded to clean up the kitchen, bedroom, etc. I wondered, are all men this inconsiderate when it comes to helping out? My brother was always very meticulous about cleaning his room. My dad was also pretty good about keeping things organized. However, that is just two men, I hardly consider that a good sample size. I suppose I may never know.

It feels like a Friday.

webs, spiders, etc.

Tonight I am very tired, yet I do not want to go to sleep. I am thinking about many things. Nothing of substance really.

I am thinking about the very large spider that has found a home in the plant directly outside of my window. I watch it every night, as it rests in the center of the web it has created. It waits patiently for insects to become trapped in its delicate web. In awe, I watch the web as it sparkles in the moonlight. I wonder how many insect casualties there are each night as a result of its presence. I also wonder what goes on in the mind of the insects as they become trapped. I suspect that some become angry, and spew out obscenities at their captor. Others probably plead for mercy. The spider then replies, "it's nothing personal, I'm just hungry." This of course does nothing to assuage the fears of its victims.

By the time I wake up in the morning, there isn't a trace left of the web, and the spider has receded back into its hiding place. I have grown quite fond of this beautiful spider, and will continue to observe it for as long as I am afforded the privilege.

From the pages of my journal

this is what it means,
to no longer exist
when only fragments of the previous self remain
shattered thoughts,
carefully hidden behind a painted face
sometimes it is the soft pink hue artificially painted across my cheekbones that reminds me of younger days
sometimes it is the gold shimmer across the eyelids that fills me with the illusion of a summer afternoon
the resounding echoes of my hollow heart lull me to sleep
some nights the silence is dense,
and weighs heavily upon my being
on these nights the word “sleep” loses its meaning
I want to dream the dreams of a sea horse,
and experience life through its eyes
I want to feel abysmal darkness,
and reach the heights of an exploding star
I want to transform into a blade of grass,
and in my new form,
experience the elements: rain, water, fire, wind
...to piece oneself together
over, and over again--
this is the remedy

When in Peru...

I just arrived home after having dinner at a Peruvian restaurant. The food was phenomenal. Words can't describe how flavorful and succulent the dish I had was. I tried the Lomo Saltado, and enjoyed a Chicha Morada. The waiter was an incredibly friendly man from D.F. Mexico. He answered all of my questions and even let us try some things before we ordered. Overall, the night ended on a great note.

Tomorrow mom and I will be checking out the yard sales around town.

Nonsense

I woke up early and headed over to see my doctor for a routine check-up. I dislike going to see the doctor immensely. Everything about the facility is so impersonal and sterile. I believe that if the walls were painted any other color besides white, my visits there would be more tolerable. Furthermore, why are the only magazines they have in the waiting room about sailing? Needless to say, I was glad when my visit was over.

I suppose I could spend this time writing about all of the mundane things that occurred today. I could mention how I ordered pictures online, and when I went to pick them up, they were not ready. I could mention how I went to the thrift store and bought some beautiful Japanese coasters, silver picture frame, and antique salt shakers. I could mention that I contemplated buying a picnic basket, but then decided against it when I remembered that Chris hates picnics. The large plant I bought for $6 dollars could also be mentioned here, but I will refrain from telling such trivial stories.

Instead I want to share my dream. My sister and I were both on a large cliff, looking down below. For no apparent reason, I pushed her off of the edge. I felt afraid as she descended, fearing that she would die. She floated down hundreds of feet to the bottom of the cliff, and landed like Mary Poppins on the ground. My sister smiled at me and asked me to jump down to the bottom with her. I was afraid, and chose instead to walk along the edge of the cliff on my way to the bottom.

The meaning of this dream eludes me at the moment. I am trying to analyze it, and extrapolate meaning from it. Perhaps some chocolate fudge ice cream will facilitate the process.

They say...

Swimming in water is better than swimming in tears.

Reflections

The desire to write had escaped me temporarily. Instead, I chose to spend every night this week watching Star Trek movies.

Today, I spent a couple of hours swimming in the morning. I was watching a young woman do the Front Crawl because I admired her gracefulness. It appeared to me as though she was a kind person. I swam over to where she was, and I asked her if she knew how to do
the Butterfly Stroke. I was hoping that she did, so that she could teach me. She smiled and told me that she did not. She went on to inform me that she didn't know how to swim well and that the Front Crawl was the only thing she knew how to do. I told her that she appeared as though she were a very experienced swimmer. We spent about a half hour talking about how incompetent we both feel in the water, and how we wish we were better swimmers. I told her about my pipe dream to one day dive off of the diving board into the 13 feet area. How interesting we human beings are. Full of insecurities, yet covered by the veneer of confidence (sometimes pseudo-confidence). She told me she thought that I was a good swimmer, and that she had been watching me! I laughed and explained to her that I just started my first official swimming lesson on Saturday. We both had a good chuckle. She was a really nice girl, and I hope that we see each other again.

People are our mirrors. They provide us with a reflection of who we are, or at least what we appear to be to others. I appreciate all of the mirrors that surround me, because sometimes I do not know, or remember who I am. Sometimes I think that I am confident, yet there are times when I feel like I am going to explode from the fear that begins to grow inside of me. I remember being afraid to leave my house for extended periods of time because I feared that something terrible would happen to me. However, that was many, many years ago. I have since learned to let go. I have pushed myself to the limit, and forced myself into situations that would have probably caused me to have a panic attack before. I have been reflecting upon the past, and how different I am today. Years pass, and I continue to evolve in ways I never thought possible. I still carry with me some insecurities, flaws and fears, but I don't allow them dictate which direction my life will take. So I continue to look around me. I continue to search for my mirrors, and hope that they will continue to provide me with my reflection.