work in progress

There was once a flower that broke through the icy surface of a woman's heart. It had desired for so long to reach towards the golden sunlight, and turquoise atmosphere. It wondered what it would be like to grow, and be admired.

For what seemed like an eternity, she had been afraid to push forward because the unknown had instilled a deep fear inside of her. After all, there could be potential threats to her existence. More often than not she could hear echoes outside of the icy walls warning her to remain where she was. Eventually the flower knew that if she was to find happiness, she could not remain imprisoned within the walls of a frozen heart. The flower decided to move, push, and break free. She found strength within herself that she did not realize existed. She watched as the pieces of ice shattered into tiny fragments, each with an image of her former self on the surface. The flower grew and it reached out further than it ever had before. Just when the flower had tasted freedom, an icy wind passed and froze it in its place.

"I am a prisoner once again, but I have tasted freedom. The dreams I will dream will sustain me until I can once again build up the courage to break free."

I miss you, but my aim is getting better

A morning drive

I have been thinking about the following incident for a few days now:

It was about 10 years ago at about 7:00am in the morning. I was driving down Baseline Avenue on my way to work when something caught my eye. As I looked to my left, I saw a truck that had crashed into a light post. At this moment time froze. There was a stillness, my mind was quiet. It was obvious that that the driver of the vehicle had died on impact. I will never forget how his face looked smashed up against the steering wheel.

I didn't stop. I continued to drive to work.

I heard the fire engine coming towards the scene of the accident. Initially I reasoned that I would be late for work. However, the real reason was that I could not handle seeing death that close. I have never forgotten the man, nor the images from that day. I looked in the newspaper the following day to find out more about the man. Who was he? Where was he going? Who did he leave behind?

I have never been at peace with my decision to not stop and at least wait with the man until the ambulance/police arrived. I would hope that someone would do the same for me in the event of my demise.

And so here I am years later, reminiscing about a man that didn't know I existed. I am faced with the reality that there is life, and there is death. Sometimes it is very sudden, and rather than be afraid, I should accept it as something that will meet me sooner or later.

When the time is right

Yesterday I overcame two of my greatest fears: the fear of water, and of heights. I went to the swim center to swim some laps. I looked over at the ominous pool with the depth of 13 feet, and watched people diving off of the diving boards. I felt as though I was missing out on something. I wanted so much to feel the freedom of falling into the water, and becoming buoyant. I watched as Chris went off the diving board, and upon his return, something inside of me urged me to cease living vicariously through others. I decided it was time.

I walked to the diving board, walked up the stairs and moved toward the end of the diving board. My heart was racing, and for a few moments, I was frozen in time. I felt a deafening silence, and suddenly I was forced to face the fears that had lingered for so long. I took a deep breath, and jumped. I emerged from the water a new being. Something inside of me had changed. I am aware that for some this feat may seem trivial, but for me it was a magnanimous event. As I swam to the ladder to get out of the pool, I felt proud of myself. I decided that I would utilize the momentum from this accomplishment to push myself even further. I walked toward the highest diving board. When I reached the edge, I felt my breath leave me momentarily. I was higher up than I thought I would be. I stood there looking down below. The water seemed so far away from me. I wanted so badly to retreat back down the ladder. From a distance, I watched as Chris gave me a thumbs up and nodded his head in approval. I knew there was no turning back. This time I took 3 deep breaths before I descended down towards my liquid haven. And just like that, my fears were conquered.

ZzzZZzZ

Last night I heard Chris talking in his sleep. I listened intently, and even attempted to ask him to repeat what he had said. He continued sleeping, so I poked him in the ribs.

The End

If the shoe fits

Last night I had a very interesting dream. I was inside of a school classroom, devoid of people (other than myself). There were many different types of shoes covering the floor. I knew they belonged to other people, yet I chose to steal a pair of sneakers for myself. The color and size of the shoes evade my memory at the moment. I suppose these trivial details are inconsequential. Moments later, a woman entered the room, and I realized that someone had stolen the shoes that I had previously stolen for myself. Quite confusing, I know. The older lady assisted me in trying to locate them, but our search was futile.

They were nowhere to be found.

Training week

Well, I made it through the two days of ProACT training that I had to teach. I was extremely nervous prior to beginning on the first day. It felt as though my heart was going to fly out of my chest, as my stomach was doing cartwheels. However, once I began presenting the material, all my anxiety dissipated. Although I have presented hundreds of times over the years in front of groups, I still feel intense anxiety. I'm not sure if that will ever change, but I am happy knowing that I don't allow my anxiety to keep me from doing it.

Betty

Today I thought a great deal about Betty Dade.

Betty lived across the street from me when I was a young girl. Her son Larry and daughter Lisa were always getting into trouble. They used drugs, and hung out with some very bad people. Betty was a quiet woman that cared deeply about her family. She was your typical grandmother. She loved to bake, and would take great care of her grandchildren. Her favorite hobby was making dolls, and when you went inside her house, there were doll parts strewn across every table and counter top. Her home was always untidy, and being that my sister and I wanted to earn some extra cash, we offered to clean her house for a minimal fee. It was during these cleaning times that I came to know her best. Her room was chock-full of Betty Boop items that she had collected over her lifetime. There were Betty Boop clocks, dolls, pens, mugs mirrors, etc. I looked at the items in awe, wishing that I could take them home. She also had a large bookcase that covered an entire wall of her living room. Sometimes she would grunt, as she climbed up to grab a book from one of the top shelves. My sister and I found her grunting highly amusing and to this day giggle when we remember those times.

I also remember my family and I running outside because we heard people screaming across the street. When we came out, we saw Betty's daughter Lisa, and her then boyfriend running out of the garage naked. They had been cooking meth and started a fire. They ended up having to live in an RV outside of the house until the garage could be repaired.

Her son Larry was always being pursued by the police. One day, he pulled out a gun on an officer, and was consequently attacked by a police dog. He was sentenced to 25 years in Tehachapi State prison. I don't know what ended up happening to him.

I thought about Betty today because I wondered why bad things happen to good people. I wondered why a woman who loved so deeply, and lived an honest life ended up having to endure so much pain.

Betty was killed as she lay in her bed on February,10 2006. She was stabbed numerous times by her 38 year-old roommate. She made a fateful decision to rent out one of the rooms in her house, and it cost her her life.

There is no rhyme or reason to life.

Early morning thoughts

We went to Downtown Disney yesterday. It was tons of fun. Morgan spent the night with Angela, so it was just Chris, Ayva and I. It just ins't the same without her here. When we went out for dinner, I asked for a table for four instead of three. Very strange indeed to only have Ayva around.

Oh, I can't wait to go to Disneyland next week!!

The clean up woman

I was running a few minutes late for work. I decided that I would not worry about making the bed today because it was Chris' day off. No big deal, it would get done at some point. Upon my return, I opened the door only to find that our entire place was a mess. I go in our room and the bed is still unmade. I head into the kitchen and there are dirty dishes in the sink (none of which are mine). Meanwhile, he is killing zombies on TV!! I felt an intense rage come over me. I say to him, "you didn't have time to make the bed?" He says, "it's my day off."

What the heck is that supposed to mean!!!???

Now, I consider myself a reasonable person. Okay, so it's your day off. You want to relax, but for corn sake, are you really incapable of cleaning up after yourself? I proceeded to clean up the kitchen, bedroom, etc. I wondered, are all men this inconsiderate when it comes to helping out? My brother was always very meticulous about cleaning his room. My dad was also pretty good about keeping things organized. However, that is just two men, I hardly consider that a good sample size. I suppose I may never know.

It feels like a Friday.

webs, spiders, etc.

Tonight I am very tired, yet I do not want to go to sleep. I am thinking about many things. Nothing of substance really.

I am thinking about the very large spider that has found a home in the plant directly outside of my window. I watch it every night, as it rests in the center of the web it has created. It waits patiently for insects to become trapped in its delicate web. In awe, I watch the web as it sparkles in the moonlight. I wonder how many insect casualties there are each night as a result of its presence. I also wonder what goes on in the mind of the insects as they become trapped. I suspect that some become angry, and spew out obscenities at their captor. Others probably plead for mercy. The spider then replies, "it's nothing personal, I'm just hungry." This of course does nothing to assuage the fears of its victims.

By the time I wake up in the morning, there isn't a trace left of the web, and the spider has receded back into its hiding place. I have grown quite fond of this beautiful spider, and will continue to observe it for as long as I am afforded the privilege.

From the pages of my journal

this is what it means,
to no longer exist
when only fragments of the previous self remain
shattered thoughts,
carefully hidden behind a painted face
sometimes it is the soft pink hue artificially painted across my cheekbones that reminds me of younger days
sometimes it is the gold shimmer across the eyelids that fills me with the illusion of a summer afternoon
the resounding echoes of my hollow heart lull me to sleep
some nights the silence is dense,
and weighs heavily upon my being
on these nights the word “sleep” loses its meaning
I want to dream the dreams of a sea horse,
and experience life through its eyes
I want to feel abysmal darkness,
and reach the heights of an exploding star
I want to transform into a blade of grass,
and in my new form,
experience the elements: rain, water, fire, wind
...to piece oneself together
over, and over again--
this is the remedy

When in Peru...

I just arrived home after having dinner at a Peruvian restaurant. The food was phenomenal. Words can't describe how flavorful and succulent the dish I had was. I tried the Lomo Saltado, and enjoyed a Chicha Morada. The waiter was an incredibly friendly man from D.F. Mexico. He answered all of my questions and even let us try some things before we ordered. Overall, the night ended on a great note.

Tomorrow mom and I will be checking out the yard sales around town.

Nonsense

I woke up early and headed over to see my doctor for a routine check-up. I dislike going to see the doctor immensely. Everything about the facility is so impersonal and sterile. I believe that if the walls were painted any other color besides white, my visits there would be more tolerable. Furthermore, why are the only magazines they have in the waiting room about sailing? Needless to say, I was glad when my visit was over.

I suppose I could spend this time writing about all of the mundane things that occurred today. I could mention how I ordered pictures online, and when I went to pick them up, they were not ready. I could mention how I went to the thrift store and bought some beautiful Japanese coasters, silver picture frame, and antique salt shakers. I could mention that I contemplated buying a picnic basket, but then decided against it when I remembered that Chris hates picnics. The large plant I bought for $6 dollars could also be mentioned here, but I will refrain from telling such trivial stories.

Instead I want to share my dream. My sister and I were both on a large cliff, looking down below. For no apparent reason, I pushed her off of the edge. I felt afraid as she descended, fearing that she would die. She floated down hundreds of feet to the bottom of the cliff, and landed like Mary Poppins on the ground. My sister smiled at me and asked me to jump down to the bottom with her. I was afraid, and chose instead to walk along the edge of the cliff on my way to the bottom.

The meaning of this dream eludes me at the moment. I am trying to analyze it, and extrapolate meaning from it. Perhaps some chocolate fudge ice cream will facilitate the process.

They say...

Swimming in water is better than swimming in tears.

Reflections

The desire to write had escaped me temporarily. Instead, I chose to spend every night this week watching Star Trek movies.

Today, I spent a couple of hours swimming in the morning. I was watching a young woman do the Front Crawl because I admired her gracefulness. It appeared to me as though she was a kind person. I swam over to where she was, and I asked her if she knew how to do
the Butterfly Stroke. I was hoping that she did, so that she could teach me. She smiled and told me that she did not. She went on to inform me that she didn't know how to swim well and that the Front Crawl was the only thing she knew how to do. I told her that she appeared as though she were a very experienced swimmer. We spent about a half hour talking about how incompetent we both feel in the water, and how we wish we were better swimmers. I told her about my pipe dream to one day dive off of the diving board into the 13 feet area. How interesting we human beings are. Full of insecurities, yet covered by the veneer of confidence (sometimes pseudo-confidence). She told me she thought that I was a good swimmer, and that she had been watching me! I laughed and explained to her that I just started my first official swimming lesson on Saturday. We both had a good chuckle. She was a really nice girl, and I hope that we see each other again.

People are our mirrors. They provide us with a reflection of who we are, or at least what we appear to be to others. I appreciate all of the mirrors that surround me, because sometimes I do not know, or remember who I am. Sometimes I think that I am confident, yet there are times when I feel like I am going to explode from the fear that begins to grow inside of me. I remember being afraid to leave my house for extended periods of time because I feared that something terrible would happen to me. However, that was many, many years ago. I have since learned to let go. I have pushed myself to the limit, and forced myself into situations that would have probably caused me to have a panic attack before. I have been reflecting upon the past, and how different I am today. Years pass, and I continue to evolve in ways I never thought possible. I still carry with me some insecurities, flaws and fears, but I don't allow them dictate which direction my life will take. So I continue to look around me. I continue to search for my mirrors, and hope that they will continue to provide me with my reflection.

Bouts of Insomnia

I am once again awake past midnight. I would love to be able to fall asleep as soon as my head hits my pillow, but that is simply not the case. On a positive note, I suppose that my bouts of insomnia provide me with more time to read. I read the following today, and was left feeling contemplative:

"Not a single star will be left in the night. The night will not be left. I will die and, with me, the weight of the intolerable universe. I shall erase the pyramids, the medallions, the continents and faces. I shall erase the accumulated past. I shall make dust of history, dust of dust. Now I am looking on the final sunset. I am hearing the last bird. I bequeath nothingness to no one."

~Jorge Luis Borges

Three IS a crowd

On Saturday night I went to meet up with Megan at the Coffee Bean in Whittier. As always, I ordered a small Earl Grey iced tea. The man at the counter asked me if I wanted anything else, how could I resist the huge chocolate chip cookie at the counter. I said, "I will have the over-priced chocolate chip cookie." He smiled and I completed my transaction. I was pleasantly surprised when he handed me a large tea instead. I suppose this was to offset the price of the cookie.

Megan and I had a great conversation. It was as though I were on a roller coaster. We were up, then down and oscillating to a rhythm only we understood. After about an hour of conversation, she excused herself to use the restroom. So there I was sitting outside at our table, when I overheard two biker men saying they needed one more chair. Our table had three chairs and we only needed two. I said, "excuse me sir, you can use this extra one, we only need two." He walks over and sits down on the chair, invading my personal space. I would imagine that any other person would have been frightened or perhaps just felt like getting up. No, not me, I am used to being around strange people. This is what followed:

Me: Woah buddy, you're a little too close.
Man: (backs up) Hello, I am 61 years old and just rode in on my Harley.
Me: No kidding, so what are you a Mongol or something (totally being sarcastic)?
Man: No way man, I left that shit a long time ago! Those guys just like killing people for no reason! I used to hang out with them and they were getting into drugs and killing so I said "I'm getting the hell out of this shit." They killed a bunch of guys out in Vegas. Then they had a lot of problems with the Hell's Angels. Now I just try to talk young people into getting out of that way of life.
Me:: That's great and noble of you.
Man:: Yep, so what's your name?
Me: Melissa (totally not my name)
Man: My name is Jean Pierre (in a french accent) parle vous francais?
Me: (Laughing)Ugh, no.
(Suddenly, I receive a text)
It's from Megan "where are you"
I reply "I'm here"
Then I turn around and she is right next to our table. I say, "Meg, I'm right here!"
Meg: (Looking bewildered) Hey...
Me: (Grinning like a Chesire cat) Hey Meg, this is Jean Pierre.
Meg: Hi, nice to meet you I'm Megan. (Looks at me like "who the hell is this")
Me: (turning toward man) It was great meeting you but you are going to have to relocate because we are having a really heavy, personal conversation...
Awkward silence
Man: Ugh, yeah...it was nice meeting you too. I'm supposed to meet up with a young man right now. He isn't here yet. Trying to talk him out of running with bikers. Take care.
Meg: who the hell was that????
Me: (laughing) I have NO idea.

The moral of the story: If there are three chairs and you only need two, keep your mouth shut and put your purse on the extra chair.

Ramble on

Well, it has been a while since I have last written. I have been consumed with many dilemmas, and bouts of insomnia. Sprinkled in between the latter have been wonderful experiences, and encouragement from unexpected places. I am happy that the weekend is finally here because I am eager to spend my Saturday at the beach. I will also be meeting up with Megan tomorrow night.

On a more somber note, I am missing my niece and nephews right now. Last year around this time we had spent a week in San Diego, visiting Coronado Beach and Sea World. I haven't seen them since September, and long to embrace them. I wonder what they are up to. I wonder if they are thinking about me too.

I am at a loss for words right now. I suppose I will end this by expressing the extreme anxiety I feel after finding out that I am teaching ProACT training again this summer. My boss is an amazing human being, and I would never tell him no, but I seriously am not up to it. So now I have a month to stress about what examples I will use for the training yada yada yada... I also have to start painting Elsa's birthday present. I am looking forward to it.

It is written...

I received this email in my inbox today from a friend:

I'm glad I met you. Your random, bizarre often incomprehensible messages always cheer me up. It's nice to know someone out there will abruptly stop in the middle of the day to tell me something completely spontaneous, often interesting, sometimes superfluous.

I guess your false idol, Alan Watts, is right. I've lived my whole life believing I was here for some purpose, always looking ahead to the next step, never content with my environment. I wanted to escape from elementary school, I wanted to escape from high school, I wanted to escape from college...now I want to escape from my job. I look back now and see how I've pissed it all away. How many friendships, how many happy moments, how many awesome experiences did I lose out on because I was looking to fulfill my non-existent purpose instead of simply enjoying life? For the longest time I always said, "I just want to get through life as quickly and painlessly as possible, I want to do whatever I was put here to do and then leave." What a waste.

Whatever. Nothing left to do but move on, keep charging forward, into oblivion.

In a nutshell

On Friday: Played Scrabble, gave up on game half-way through because my mind was wandering.

Saturday: Went to the beach. Went boogie boarding and got a killer tan. Hung out with Elsa at night, almost got into a fight with big amazonian woman.

Sunday: Relaxed, played games and ate tons of junk food.

Void

I have chosen once again to indulge in solitude for a while. I have chosen to reflect upon my life, and delve into the literary work of others who have also experienced existential despair. There are thoughts that once again plague my mind, of which I do not care to elucidate. In this past week I have finished reading The Myth of Sisyphus, as well as The Hour of the Star. I have also added some additional chapters to my book. The latter has provided me with great insight, yet some things remain nebulous. What I feel at the moment is a bit incomprehensible. Words are superfluous, what I feel is what matters most. Though I continue to chronicle the events and thoughts that run parallel to my existence in my journal, there is still a hunger that resides within me.

For what? I am not certain.

A world not yet born...

It was wonderful seeing Brynn and Elsa again. I can't believe that it has been over 10 years since we met. So many things have changed since then, but the love we have for one another remains strong. I am so proud of them both. They are intelligent, caring and beautiful. I think back to the days when we giggled during our statistics class, and spent our undergrad years going to rock concerts. We have shared triumphs, grief, and memories. I can feel time slipping away. As one goal is achieved, another goal take its place. Brynn is now Dr. Nodarse.


I am certain that the most important thing that we can ever achieve in this life is to experience a deep bond with other human beings. I consider myself very fortunate to have met such amazing people along the way to share my life with. How wonderful it is to love and be loved.

But I'm always dreaming, even when I'm awake

I had a rough morning but as soon as I was in Oxnard, my mood changed for the better. Being near the ocean always infuses my heart and soul with positive energy. I also finished reading The Stranger.

I must say, today was a good day!

Words, my opiates

I purchased three new books today: The Stranger by Camus, Waiting for Godot by Samuel Beckett, and a pocket size dictionary. I purchased all three of these gems for a dollar each at Morgan's school. I contemplated buying the pocket book version of Mary Shelley's Frankenstein, but decided against it, since I already own one copy. Also on my list of purchases was a journal. The one I am currently writing in is almost full. I must admit, I was very happy with my purchases.

I started reading The Stranger and was not disappointed. When I told my friend that I was reading it he said, "heard it's a bit of a downer." I told him that sometimes we need to read books that express sadness. He said "why, is it cathartic?" I responded, "that is only secondary gain, it is necessary to know that there are others in the world that have traveled down the abyss. We gain understanding, and a voice." Once I was finished pontificating, we talked about trivial matters.

Another thing I was ruminating over was something someone said to me today. The person said that he didn't believe in "unconditional love." He said that love could erode due to a lack of nurturing. He illustrated his point by saying that a man he knew had a delinquent son, that for years was manipulative, abusive and had terrorized him. After the accumulation of intense emotional pain, the father decided that he was going to disown his son, that his son was now dead to him. He went on to say that the man was much happier after severing ties with his son. I wonder, can love erode with each wound that it is dealt? I suppose it can. If love is a reservoir, then it must be replenished daily. Otherwise we are left yearning for that which has been depleted.

Frivolity

I am currently indulging in the creative energy that has been moving through my entire body the last few days. I am experiencing a monsoon of thoughts and dreams, that rain and blow beloved chaos inside of my mind. Call it mania, or perhaps narcissism, in any case, I am writing, painting and using charcoal like a woman in a psychotic state. These times are when I feel the most comfortable in my skin. Oh how I wonder how others live without these beautiful outlets of expression.

On another note, Chris and I went running yesterday. We were running across the bridge near our place when we decided that it would be prudent to stop half-way over the freeway over pass. I thought it would be a good idea to see how many big rigs we could get to honk. My plan was a success, and was executed beautifully. There were so many big rigs that participated. I felt like a kid again :-)

The Voracious Reader

It is comforting to know that I am not alone in my bibliomania, and intense love of reading. It was by chance that I discovered the beautiful, insightful woman below. I am always inspired by women who have the courage to write with transparency, completely revealing their innermost thoughts. I continue to piece together the book that I have been working on for several years now. Being the perfectionist that I am, I still do not feel that I am ready to submit it for publishing. Everyday I continue to do what I love, reading and writing. Books have been a permanent fixture in my life. When people fail, I know that I can always lose myself within the labyrinths of my books. I can use my pen to express my darkest thoughts and vulnerabilities. Momentarily, pain subsides and I can gain perspective.





"I, who live sidewise, I’m to the left of whoever comes in. And in me the world trembles."
~Clarice Lispector

My Love,

What if instead of sweet nectar, I were to provide you with a melody that would resonate within your soul for eternity.

Would you still come rest on my petals?

Simplicity

The weekend went by too quickly. We had Morgan's birthday party on Saturday, and I truly enjoyed spending time with our family and friends. Later that night, Chris and I went to the theater to watch Star Trek. We both enjoyed the movie, as well as our time spent together. I received a call from my little brother Jacob as well. I hadn't heard his voice in such a long time that I almost didn't recognize his voice. I knew my time speaking with him would be brief, therefore, I told him that I loved him and that he was always on my mind. I am satisfied with hearing his voice, and am hopeful that I will hear from him again.

Today I opened my eyes to find a room devoid of the sunshine that I was beginning to become accustomed to. However, I was determined not to allow it to effect my sunny disposition. We went to Toys R Us to purchase a Nintendo DS for Morgan, as she had accumulated enough money from her birthday party. She was thrilled to play her new game. Ayva was sad that she did not acquire any new toys this weekend. With great difficulty, we explained to her that she would receive gifts when it was her birthday. To cheer her up, I played hide-and-seek with her in the house, and allowed the girls to play with their moon sand.

It was an ordinary day, but beautiful nonetheless.

Happy birthday, my darling!

7 years ago today...

I have spent the past few days caring for Morgan. She has been ill with the flu. I had a total of 2 hours of sleep last night because I had to continuously monitor her fever. Today was her birthday. She is now 7 years old. Chris and I gave her four Furbies as her birthday gift. She was elated! Her "Furby themed" party is scheduled for Saturday. I can't believe that it's already been 7 years since she was born. It has been wonderful watching her grow and blossom into a caring, intelligent and curious child. I love everything about her, from the little freckles on her tiny nose to the way she crawls into my bed on the weekend to ask for her special breakfast. I never knew how large a mother's heart could expand in order to make room for the love that is infused when a child is born. How fortunate I am to have her in my life. Time is passing quickly. It pains me to know that she is no longer a baby. However, I am eager to see the woman she will become. I will be there for her every step of the way to guide her when she needs me.



On another note, I spent the majority of the day at the San Fernando Mission, perusing the rooms and the treasures contained within. Sitting in the church pew filled me with a feeling of nostalgia. I remembered visiting the church in my grandmother's village in Mexico when I was a young girl. I recall feeling like a tiny ant, surrounded by walls festooned with brilliant colors and shiny objects. The same was true today, I still felt small among the statues. The art displayed in the rooms was exquisite. I particularly enjoyed the pieces with the Madonna and child. Such profound emotion is not easily conveyed. It takes a skilled artist to express the bond between mother and child.

Our docent was an elderly man with many stories to tell. I was amused by his innocence, and ability to captivate the group. He said that his family had arrived to the United States from Italy, and proceeded to discuss his humble beginnings. He said that it was in the United States when he saw for the first time, a flushing toilet and toilet paper. He explained that upon seeing such an interesting object, he flushed it repeatedly. That day he arrived home with toilet paper that he had taken from the restroom to show to his parents. The church accused him of stealing it, and was consequently spanked by his parents. He confessed that all he was trying to do was show his parents the toilet paper that he believed his parents had never seen before. What an interesting day, full of beauty and stories.

The death of Ego and then some...

What an extremely busy day I had today. I spent the morning at the Olympics for Morgan's school. I met some very nice parents. Bonnie, Jonathan, Zachary and I were in charge of the softball throw area. We worked great together, and had fun in the process. I was able to watch, as Morgan competed in her chosen events. I cherished each moment that I shared with her today.

As soon as I got home, Ayva and I went to Story Time with Mr. Pedro. The books were all about insects. Mr. Pedro walked around the room with a stuffed bumblebee with sparkly wings. All the children wanted to keep touching it. Ayva really enjoyed the book with the pop-up butterflies the best. Once it was over, we went home to eat lunch. Before I knew it, it was time to pick up Morgan from school. From there we went to her swimming classes. I was so proud of the courage she exhibited. It appears that her intestinal fortitude is greater than mine. The moms and I watched as the children accomplished new goals, and looked over at us with a sense of pride. I was video taping like a mad woman in an attempt to preserve what I was seeing. Chris surprised us by coming by to watch. He was happy to see Morgan and her accomplishments.

Later on, I went to meet up with Dr. Chu. We discussed so many topics. We enjoyed really intense conversations about life, purpose, happiness, love, dysfunction, parallel universes, etc. I am amazed at the capacity of the human brain to learn, and acquire new information that increases our wisdom. Once again, I discovered things about myself that had remained dormant for so long. I began piecing together the most delicate fragments of my past, and moved swiftly through the fog of forgotten dreams. There are some things that I can't change, no matter how great my desire is. I need to grieve, before I can accept. I'm at peace with that. I have once again entered a new phase of my life. There are some new players, new roles, and I must adapt accordingly. A new perspective has emerged that will assist me in my ongoing journey toward self-discovery. I am ready for whatever comes my way.

On a humpday

Today I finally learned how to do the Electric Slide. Imagine that, I am almost thirty years old and am just now learning how to do this dance! How does that happen??

I also received Brynn's graduation invitation today. I am extremely proud of her accomplishment. Earning a PhD at the age of 28 is a remarkable feat. Elsa and I will be attending the ceremony together. It will be interesting to be back at UCR after all these years. So much has changed, but our friendship remains in tact. I am looking forward to sharing this special event with two of my favorite people.

How do I measure time?

I had a nice day today. Started the day off by walking Morgan to school. Once we got there, we went "Walking with Mr. Walker." I saw Wesley's mom waiting outside of Morgan's classroom and I invited her and her son over for tea whenever they have the time. Afterward, Ayva, my mom and I headed over to the mall to go shopping. I purchased two new shirts, earrings and a pair of sunglasses. As we walked by the play area, Ayva asked if she could play for a while with the other kids. How could I say no? Ayva had a great time playing, and quickly found a friend to play with. We stopped by McDonald's for lunch before heading home. She wanted to sit at a different table than my mom and I. I allowed her to sit where she wanted, watching her like a hawk of course. I just love little Ayva, she has such an amazing spirit and is sweeter than molasses.

I picked up Morgan after school and then we headed over to her swimming classes. She did great! I am so surprised at how much she loves her swimming classes. The other mothers and I spent the entire time talking to each other like there was no tomorrow! The other moms do not work, and they appear very excited to be out of the house, and talking with other adults. They are very sweet ladies, totally devoted to their children. I think they should every now and then put on some high heels and grab a martini because they totally deserve it. Time elapsed rapidly. Before I knew it, it was time to go home.

As we were driving home Morgan informed me that she was going to receive an award next week. I am so incredibly proud of her. She is such a gifted child. Every day she says things that make me laugh hysterically. She brings home perfect test scores, has the vocabulary of a twenty year-old, and has excellent manners. Most importantly though, she has a heart of gold. I feel so lucky to have her as a child.

Well, that's all for now. I am about to write in my diary before I hit the sack.

I know my A1B2C3's

Last night I was playing Scrabble with Chris. I wanted to use the word "yew" but wasn't completely certain that it was a word in the dictionary. I remembered hearing it somewhere, but didn't know the definition. I decided against using it out of fear that Chris would challenge me. Robin informed me that it was indeed a word, and provided me with the following definition: Any of several poisonous evergreen trees or shrubs of the genus Taxus, having scarlet cup-shaped arils and flat needles that are dark green above and yellowish below. I won the Scrabble game anyway, I always do. :-)

Today was a regular day, nothing particularly exciting. When Chris arrived home from work, he handed me a new chess/backgammon board. He bought it because he said he hates playing with the chess set that my dad gave me. My dad gave it to me last year, he has had it for 30 years. My uncle bought it for him in La Piedad, Michoacan. It is the same chess set that he used to teach my siblings and I to play chess on. I was very surprised that he gave it to me. I suppose he understood that I love the game as much as he does. It is a small, humble set carved out of wood. Yet I think it is beautiful. I hope that my children will one day be as passionate about the game as I am, but I digress...

Up, down and around...

Well, the last few days have been interesting. I was determined to make it out the beach this weekend, so we headed out to Santa Monica. We stopped by the pizza parlor that I used to frequent when I was working at Anita Santiago. While we were eating, the owner came up to us and told us how nice it was to see such a beautiful family. Chris and I looked at each other, his comment seemed somewhat random. We just smiled and nodded our heads. A few minutes later, a transient with a pirate hat cruised by. We wanted to get a picture of him, but he was moving to quickly. After we ate our yummy pizza and guzzled down our cream sodas, we walked down Main Street. For me, it was a walk down memory lane. I remembered how Laura and I would walk to the beach during our lunch hour, head over to Pete's Coffee to buy Jasmine lemonade iced tea, and all of the good times we shared together. It's been three years since those days. Laura is now working on her PhD in Linguistics, and she is living in Brentwood. It's funny how life is, completely random. One minute you think you have it all figured out, and then you embark on a different adventure. Sometimes by choice, but mostly by chance. If I had never gone to work there, I would have never met such a wonderful, intelligent human being. It felt great to be in a familiar place, rich with memories.

On another note, my diary has only 2 more pages left in it. I must buy a new one

Discursive

I have accumulated a lot of sleep debt over the past week. I have been really busy lately as well. Due to my lethargic state, today I will be listing important events:

Morgan started her swimming lessons on Tuesday. She was really excited and happy.

My library books are overdue.

I talked some major shit to the people at the district (I went all the way to the top) because I was unhappy with a worker in the extended care department.

Ate wayyy to much cactus

I am feeling a little agitated today.

My peacock feather earrings arrived.

Morgan's Furbies arrived.

Good night...

Happy Mother's Day to me!

Chris bought me this beautiful painting!!!







Today was a great day!

Chess Night

Ok, so on Wednesday I opted to play chess with Roy rather than watch American Idol. We met up in Whittier at the Coffee Bean. We were blabbing about random stuff, and I was therefore not as focused as I needed to be to win the game. I made careless mistakes because I was experiencing flight of ideas. When the game finally ended, after an hour, I decided I was done for the night. All of a sudden, I noticed that there was a man that looked just like Dave Chappelle standing behind Roy. I quickly whispered to Roy, "Hey, that dude looks just like Dave Chappelle." Roy said, "You are a racist, just because he is black doesn't mean it's him." I said "take a good look, I think it is him." Then he walked right by our table. I said to him, "excuse me sir, but you bear a striking resemblance to Dave Chappelle." When he spoke, I knew for sure it was him. He stood there staring, and talked with us for a brief time. Roy and I looked at each other and laughed, there was Dave Chappelle and we froze! Damn, why didn't I bring my camera!! I texted everyone to share my excitement about my celebrity sighting. After he left, we decided to head on over to the Platypus Gallery to check out the art. I saw a few paintings that I loved. I must say, it was a swell day! However, being around my friend Roy reminded me of what a geek I am. When I told him I was looking into buying a chess shirt he said, "were the chess shirts next to the Dungeons and Dragon shirts?" I knew at that instant, that I had surpassed him in geekdom!! I should probably keep these things on the down low!

Shots, shots and more shots

Today was going to be a hairy day, so Chris and I decided that we would need nourishment to provide us with the energy our bodies would require to make it through the day. Therefore, we headed off to Polly's where we enjoyed a delectable breakfast. I had Belgian waffles (with strawberries and whipped cream!!), scrambled eggs and bacon. After, we headed home to relax outside in the patio and check on the grapevine in our backyard. There was a huge grasshopper hanging out on the fence. I screamed and ran away from it. I asserted that it was a locust, Chris just laughed. I was very happy that he took the day off today and that we could spend the day together.

The mood would soon change. We took Ayva to get her physical. When the doctor informed us that she would be needing 5 shots and have her blood drawn I felt extremely anxious. Ayva was brave, however, once the shots were administered she cried and screamed like a banshee! I felt so helpless. I just held her in my arms and told her that it would be over soon. She said, "mommy, it hurts me...please, no more shots." I was relieved when it was all over.

To reward her for her courage, we took her to Mc Donalds for ice cream. Then we headed home. I made linguini with clams for dinner, we ate, watched American Idol and fringe, and called it a day.

Tis all for now.

Catching up

I was feeling rather blah today. I woke up groggy from all the cold medicine I have been taking. However, once I walked outside and felt the warm weather, my mood improved significantly. I sent Roy an email in an attempt to arrange our chess meeting. I feel terrible that I always promise to meet him, and then don't get back to him until weeks later. I have a habit of doing that to people. It isn't my intention to procrastinate, it just happens. I am actively trying to change that.

I finally met up with Meg this Saturday. After three flippin' years of not seeing her, we finally got together. I promised her that we would make it a point to get together at least once a month. I always enjoy talking to her because she is a good listener. We talked about when we were both in the trenches together at Olive. We reminisced about Chad, The Rock Circus and Gargamel, among other things. We talked about her divorce, life, depression etc. Pretty heavy conversations, but amazing nonetheless.

Yesterday was a difficult day for me. I saw something that I wish I hadn't seen. My vulnerabilities were exposed and I felt like a child. I confided my weaknesses to Robin. She is a wise and caring friend. I was hoping to get some feedback regarding my "problem," and she didn't let me down. What she said made me think...really think hard about myself. I thanked her, and I thanked my lucky stars for having met her.

That's about it for now. Tomorrow, I take Ayva to her Physical. Hopefully, all goes well.

Jargon

It's been a long while since I have last written. I have been extremely busy with the Autism walk, PTA stuff, and my family. It appears as though I have finally cleared my head of the illusions that were beginning to hinder my ability to concentrate. It has proven to be a difficult task, but staying in the now has helped to remain centered. Though many of the things that I am currently involved with may be considered banal, I appreciate them nonetheless.

I am currently sick with the flu, and was paranoid that I had caught the swine flu. However, after consulting with my physician, it was ruled out. Being the hypochondriac that I am, I had to be sure. I purchased my first lotto ticket today. Chris thinks I am nuts for thinking that I have a chance. I reasoned that my .0000000000000001% chance is still greater than his 0% chance (since he does not play). He went on to say that IF I did win he wanted a game room where he can geek it up with PS3 stuff. Of course, should I win, I will be opening up a Swiss bank account. I'm kidding, maybe.

So I seriously need to get my butt in gear and start applying for grad school. I have said this every year since I graduated in 2003. I have just been really enjoying my free time, and experiencing life in the raw. As an action item, I need to decide whether or not I want to go to law school or psych grad school. I will contemplate this as I paint...

Thursday

Morg and I went to the doctor's office to have her TB results read. All went well and she even received a glow-in-the dark dinosaur sticker from the nurse. Later in the afternoon, Ayva and I went to Story time at the library. We had a blast, hearing Mr. Pedro read books and sing songs with the kiddos. Then I headed off to the spa to get my manicure and pedicure. When Chris arrived home, and after we had dinner, he and I went to the driving range. That's about it! I am so glad that it is almost Friday!

State of Exhaustion

The past few days I have been extremely busy! Friday I spent the day thrift shopping with my mom. I found the most beautiful things to adorn my living room with. I also found a very nice tea set. Saturday we headed out for breakfast and I had the most delicious Belgian waffles. After breakfast, we spent the day at Knott's Berry Farm. We all had a great time. Then Sunday morning, the girls opened up their baskets and their faces lit up with joy. In the afternoon we had a Alice in Wonderland themed tea party. Overall, it was an amazing few days. I am still recovering.

Grandma Nana is in the hospital. We went to visit her yesterday and today. I hope that she gets better soon. I hate to see her in so much pain.

Luis called me today. It was so wonderful to hear his voice. He is doing well and he is still as hilarious as ever! I just love that guy. He is one of the nicest friends I have. We agreed to get together soon.

Now I am off to bed. I am exhausted. Tomorrow I am taking Morgan to get her TB shot. Ay ay ay!!

Bread and butterflies

I had such a great time today. In the morning I went with Morgan to go "walking with Mr. Walker." Later, I went to do my volunteer work in the classroom, and had tons of fun with the kiddos. At noon, Ayva and I went to the library for "Story Time." I spent the remainder of the afternoon planning the Mad Tea Party for Sunday. Whew, I'm exhausted.

Of cabages and kings

Today I stumbled upon the most interesting quote.

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.” ~Neil Gaimen

Interesting because I have felt this way, and was unable to put into words such visceral emotions. Love as I have often stated before, is complete and utter insanity. I see it every day, people living as though they were in fog. Blind really, to the reality of their situation. Turning a blind eye towards an unfaithful partner, putting up with abuse (both physical and verbal), and sacrificing their own happiness for the sake of their partner. I have been part of this group. Always looking for the good in a person, trying to change someone into somebody they are not. Living in the future, hoping that someday things will be different. Feeling the pain and disappointment when you finally realize that what you loved was always an illusion. Oh yes, I have felt this anger towards the vulnerability that results when you "let someone in" and believe in them. Currently, I am ambivalent towards love. Having love is great, but I believe that I would be okay without it.

Guns or butter?

Holding this left me teary eyed :-)


Well, today was an awesome day. This week left me drained both physically and emotionally. I was in dire need of a cathartic activity. It follows that Ashley and I would head out to the shooting range today. Of course, I had to do all of my laundry before going, hahaha! We shot the 9mm and 40 caliber. I felt so much better after! I just adore Ashley. She is such a funny and kind friend. Now that we live so close to each other, we will be able to hang out more often. She mentioned that she and Craig were going to try to start a family in July. They are currently looking for houses. I'm so excited for her.

When I got home, we all headed out to visit Grandma Nana. Overall, today was a good day!

...

I am absolutely exhausted this week. It seems as though it passed in the blink of an eye. I find it hard to believe that my last entry was last Saturday. This week has really made me think about how time evaporates before our eyes. I know that I am getting older because my friends are all worried about their health, marital relationships etc. I talked to one friend who was having a myriad of tests done to determine whether or not he has a serious illness. Then my brother went to the doctor this week complaining of excruciating headaches, paranoid that he might have a tumor. I am also concerned about my own health these days. I need to go in and have a breast exam to assuage any fears of possible breast cancer, as it has negatively effected members of my family. I do my part to exercise and eat healthy but I know that chance also plays a huge role in determining my fate. Therefore, this week has been a bit somber.

Two days ago my friend texted me to tell me that her live-in boyfriend was receiving texts from another woman. My advice was for her to investigate further to determine whether or not her boyfriend was being unfaithful. She said that she would rather not know. I suppose she believes that ignorance is bliss, and perhaps it is. I know that sometimes things are not always as they appear. Love is so strange to me. Completely irrational and insane.

Today I met the most amazing child. He was so interesting, kind and beautiful. I spent my day with him on what was supposed to be my day off. He was happy with the simplest things and exuded joy at every moment. This feeling is what we lose as adults sometimes and have to be mindful to experience on a daily basis. The day ended with me giving him a Pokemon coin. He was elated.


When I got home I helped the girls with their homework, read them books, and then watched The Wizard of Oz with them. The night ended with me arguing with Chris...talk about a buzz kill. Sometimes I wonder if we share the same vision.

Next, I sleep perchance to dream...

Off the coast

We spent the day on a boat along the Orange County Coastline hoping to see a whale. This time around we were not fortunate enough to see any whales, but we did see dolphins and sea lions. It was such an amazing experience to be out in the ocean observing these amazing animals in their natural environment. Feeling the wind blow through my hair, while meditating on the boat's undulations, was enough to leave me awestruck. The vastness of the ocean was intimidating, and poetic. Watching the dolphins frolicking around the boat was amazing. They seemed so carefree and curious. The sea lions were also intriguing. They appeared comfortable and peaceful, as they sat on the buoy. Toward the end of the trip I began to feel a bit nauseous, so I was glad when I was able to return to land. Afterward we grabbed some pizza, funnel cake and cotton candy, before heading home. It was such an awesome day!

Now

I woke up early today to walk Morg to school. I feel so fortunate to be able to experience this morning ritual. I know that she feels just as happy as I do when we walk hand in hand to her class. She is so amazing and kind-hearted. I love her more than anything in the world. I dropped her off, then returned to her class an hour later to do my volunteer work. I absolutely love being around children. The happiness they exude never fails to brighten my day.

When I got home, I helped my chatita with her lessons, and later gave her a bath. Since it was such a beautiful day, I decided that we would have our lunch at the park across the street. I made sandwiches, and packed other goodies to take. The warm sunshine embraced me, as I watched a monarch butterfly move gracefully through the trees. I listened intently to the sound of children laughing, and watched as a kite flew freely in the sky. I was overflowing with joy to be able to experience all of these things. I realize now more than ever how incredibly fortunate I am to be alive.

Later, I made spaghetti and meatballs for dinner. When we were finished eating, Chris and I went to the driving range. It was my first time, and I must say that I truly enjoyed the experience. I will definitely go again soon. Ashley sent me a text to let me know that she and I would be going to the shooting range upon her return from Chicago. I can't wait!

In a Nutshell

I woke up in the early morning hours feeling as though I was choking. I sat up in my bed and coughed repeatedly, attempting to dislodge whatever I believed at the time was in my throat. I haven't felt this way in a long time. I would experience this frequently in my youth. I always feel terrified when I have these nightmares and somatic complaints. I'm not sure what is causing the recurrence of this problem. Years ago I had discussed this very issue with a psychotherapist friend of mine. She mentioned to me that what I was experiencing was a result of repressed thoughts that I wanted to express to someone. Back then that person was my dad. Once I expressed my feelings to him, the nightmares receded back from whence they came. However, here I am now with an old situation presenting itself again. I am not sure what is nourishing this feeling. I have also been waking up with a feeling of death. I definitely feel that my unconscious is in over-drive right now. I'm not sure what to attribute this all to. I went to a wake on Sunday evening so perhaps that has something to do with it.

I really enjoyed my day (with the exception of the aforementioned). I spent time at the library and attended a PTA meeting. I sat outside in my backyard drinking tea and reading "Still the Mind" by Alan Watts. The weather was amazing. I am really looking forward to summer.

Silence

Today I'm in a grumpy mood. I just want to sit in my room and read.

yowsers!!!

I MUST have this!!

Paradise

I went to the library this week and felt as though I were in paradise. I wanted to find "The Black Hand" by Chris Blatchford. My brother read it and said it was a graphic, interesting story. It is about a man named Rene "Boxer" Enriquez that defected from the Mexican Mafia. I have always been fascinated by sociopaths, and the intelligence that they waste on committing crime. I have watched his interviews and am surprised at how incredibly eloquent he is. I am looking forward to reading the book and gaining some insight into his world.

For now, I am busy reading "The Essential Alan Watts." I started reading it yesterday and am on the last chapter. What a brilliant human being. I understand his philosophy on life, and admire his courage to be true to himself. He couldn't care less what people thought about him. He lived his life to the fullest. How wonderful it is for someone to enjoy their life without feeling that they need to be sinless and perfect. What fun is that? We all wear masks, we are different things to different people, and that makes life more interesting. Watts spent his days "playing," and I strive to do much of the same.

From the archives

When I was in 7th grade my friend Jessica Pena and I decided to ditch school. We went to her house and ate snacks, watched TV and talked about random stuff. When it was time for lunch, we decided that we were going to eat pizza. Jessica found several half dollars and "2" dollar bills in one of her mother's drawers. We used the money to order pizza. When the school day was over, I walked home. That night my parent's received a phone call form Jessica's mother. She informed my parents that I had not gone to school, and had instead spent the day at her house. It appears that when she returned home from work and saw that her drawer had been rummaged through, she assumed that someone had broken into her house. Jessica had ended up spilling the beans because her mom was going to call the police.

We were both grounded for a week.

My love for acrylic

I finished this piece about two weeks ago. Although it is a painting of Alan Watts, when I look at it, it reminds me of my dad. Maybe it's the big nose, ha!

Secret Garden

Today we headed out to Wal Mart to purchase gardening supplies. I bought several flower and vegetable plants to cultivate in our backyard. I have always wanted to create a secret garden and now I finally have the opportunity to do so. There is still so much more that I need in order to create a beautiful masterpiece in my yard.

We will see how my idea pans out :-) To be continued....

Archeologist of the Soul

I have spent many weeks excavating through the rubble in my mind. It appears that this is my favorite thing to do as I get older. It has been a while since I have written, yet I have no regrets. At times it is best to keep my thoughts private.

So many changes have occurred. I am living in a new city, and finally have a room in the house designated primarily for painting and reading. Life is pretty good right now. However, I do not take life for granted, because I know how unpredictable it can be. I am enjoying life at this very moment.

Professor Danow mailed me pictures of his trip to colonial Mexico. I admire his sense of adventure, brilliance and compassionate heart. I have a painting for him that I will be sending some time this week. I am very fortunate to have met such an amazing human being.

Gifts from the heart...

The gorgeous box below was made in India. I was enchanted by the intricacy and beauty of the design. The pendant is made out of Mother of Pearl, decorated with a moon rock. I thank my suitor :-)

Dirt Diva

Wow, this weekend I had so much fun! On Saturday we went out to Ivan's grandfather's 70th birthday bash. It was amazing, well planned and beautifully executed. For dinner we had birria, macaroni salad, mexican rice and beans. They provided us with a bucket of beers (that Chris drank), shots of Cazadores and Patron throughout the entire night. Whew! There was great music during dinner, and Norteno music for the evening entertainment. We ate, danced and had an wonderful time. There must have been at least 200 people there!

Today we woke up early and headed out to go dirt bike riding at Stoddard Wells. I went over some jumps (and didn't fall!!). In spite of the cold weather we had an amazing time. We rode in the dune buggy too. I was so proud of the beautiful bruise on my knee! I can't wait to go back.

Rain Dance

As I write these lines, I can hear the deluge outside of my home. The rain is falling on the concrete with exceptional force, yet it appears so delicate as it moves through the sky. It is as though our thoughts are more profound when the sky sheds tears. At the moment my mind is inundated with complex thoughts. I miss certain people and think of times spent in the company of others, as the rain poured around us. I consider the possibility that somewhere there is someone who wants the rain to cease because the sound of the rain dredges up memories too uncomfortable to entertain. I only feel, hear and see the following:

fragile movements
force
destruction and life
tears
of joy and sorrow,
but always
renewal

Let the good times roll

I spent most of the day hanging out in Ontario with the girls. Our trip there was bittersweet. I remembered the countless times that we had gone out there to visit Grandma Jean. I contemplated driving by her old house but couldn't bring myself to do it. I really miss her.

The girls and I went to the Youth Museum and then went to visit the local library. It was great to see them so happy. I took tons of pictures! We ended our trip by stopping by Rite Aid to buy ice cream. Though we were disappointed that all of the chocolate malted crunch was gone.

On our drive home we saw a car on fire on the freeway. I was scared to drive by it out of fear that my car would catch fire!

As my beans cook and I get ready to make my carne con chile, I am enjoying the sound of The Dells as they sing,

"The love we had stays on my mind..."

Conversations with myself

I am supposed to meet my chess buddy again this weekend, however, I don't think that I am going to be able to make it. Chris started his new job and we are no longer proletariats :-) The girls are enjoying school so all is well on that end.

My mother and I are on speaking terms again. It appears that there was a misunderstanding. She felt as though I was mad at her because I hadn't called her. All of the BS was cleared away and all is well, for now. I still miss my little brother though. I wonder every day how he is doing and if he is safe. If I were a religious person I suppose I would pray for him, but I am not. So I keep him in my thoughts and hope for the best.

Tonight we will watch Mary Poppins and eat pizza. I am thankful that for the moment, I am happy.

Pawns and Queens

I went to meet my chess buddy at the Starbucks in Alhambra. He was such a nice guy. We played three games, and I smoked him the first two games. He was very embarrassed about what transpired. I was winning the third game as well, however, I concluded that if I won the final game, he might not want to play with me anymore. So I decided to let him win. I allowed him to take my queen to boost his morale. Needless to say, once the game was over he was very elated. I gave him a high five and we agreed to call it a day.

Until next time.

Ordinary day

I feel pretty bad because I didn't exercise yesterday or today. Instead I made barbeque ribs, mashed potatoes and stuffed my face. So much for getting in shape for the summer! Hopefully tomorrow I can get back into the groove.

I may have found a person to play chess with me on a regular basis. My friend Cat says that chess players are nerdy, control freaks. She is on the money on that one.

In a few minutes, I will be off to bed. Hopefully I will wake up to the sound of rain and the scent of wet concrete.

An Historic Moment

I woke up early this morning to watch history in the making. Watching the Chief Justice swear in Barack Obama as president of the United States was both exciting, and amazing! I never imagined that an African American person would win the presidency in an age of fundamentalist Christian weirdos. However, here we are and I am hopeful that the future will be filled with promise.

Now as for Michelle Obama, she looked absolutely stunning in her elegant, Isabel Toledo outfit! Wow! It's great to see a brilliant, stylish woman in the White House. As for Joe Biden's wife, she should have left the go-go boots at home.

I had a great day! I made ceviche and we ate till our tummies were full. Later, I bought a beautiful navy-blue chiffon shirt. I can't wait to wear it!

Oh, and Chris made his delicious meatballs again! Yummy!!

Chess and Ice Cream

Today I enjoyed a double scoop of ice cream from Rite Aid: Chocolate Malted Crunch and Cherry Chocolate Chip. I remember when I was a little girl, my dad would take my siblings and I to buy ice cream at Thrifty during the summer months. For the price they charge now for one scoop I was able to get 3 scoops! Ahh, how times change.

I decided to join the chess club in my city because playing chess with Chris is no fun. I will more than likely be the only young female there. I am ready to get my butt whooped by old men. I hope to improve my chess skills, and hopefully learn some new moves. We will see how it goes tomorrow!

Oh, and note to self, I will never go to the Weinerschnitzel by my place because the workers are super ghetto.

Beneath the sun

We went to the park today. As I walked around, I listened to the wind as it moved swiftly thorough the trees. The grass was adorned with beautiful red leaves that had fallen from the trees. For a while I sat on the grass beneath a venerable tree, thankful that I could experience nature and its beauty. I watched the girls as they rode their bikes without a care in the world. They were smiling and laughing. There was a father and son flying their kites, and children running through the grass. I looked at flowers, and touched the rocks that sparkled in the sunlight.

I am in love with the simple things.

Lethargy

I was very tired today. I spent my day watching Nova on PBS (Arctic Passage: Ice Survivor), watching Philip Zimbardo lectures on youtube, and had a picnic in the living room with the girls. I could have gone hiking today, but didn't really have the energy to do so. Sometimes I find inactivity very desirable. It is not always necessary for me to be on the go. I don't return to work until Wednesday, so there will be plenty of opportunities to explore, and step out of my home. The girls kept me busy, and I truly enjoyed watching them play. I enjoy my moments of quiet and relaxation. My mind has the tendency to run marathons, therefore respite is required from time to time.

Chris came back from riding his dirt bike about a half hour ago. What that means is that he has arrived just in time to watch America's Most Wanted with me.

Pali Literature

A man conquered by anger is in a mass of darkness.
He takes pleasure in bad deeds as if they were good,
but later, when his anger is gone,
he suffers as if burned with fire.
He is spoiled, blotted out,
like fire enveloped in smoke.

Memories

What is the purpose of preserving memories? I suppose that in my own life, I have indulged in them quite frequently. They have been the source of my artistic expression, and have influenced the way that I express myself through writing. However, I understand that this can be a dangerous endeavor. There have been times when re-visiting the past has caused me tremendous suffering. Currently, I am trying to focus on my current state. I am learning, with great difficulty, how to let go of the past. Simply put, attachments lead to suffering. I am breaking away from the past, slowly. I am trying my best to be aware of my thoughts.

Mindfulness

So high the climb...

The journey to the top is always full of mystery, surprises and sometimes danger. I carry a large branch with me at all times so that I can protect myself from any would be attackers, or prod "things" on my way up to the top. Once I reach the top, I feel triumphant. However, this feeling quickly dissipates as I realize that there are still so many mountains left to climb and experience. There are times when I am weary, but knowing that there is always another mountain motivates me to keep climbing.

Ode to the radish

I have been thinking about you for the past few days
needing you
wanting to put your crunchy body in my mouth
devouring you compulsively
you entice me,
as you bathe in lemon and salt
appearing sinful at first glance,
but underneath your devilish exterior
lies a pure, virginal center
you are amazing,
delicious
the root of all evil
you are hypnotic
I want to bite you
and wash away all of your outer impurities
thank you for being there
beautiful one

Shedding unnecessary layers

Jumper

Oh, to be a kid again. While we were at the park, I came across a cute little guy with a very free spirit. He said that he was going to jump off of his swing and catch mad air. I told him that he would probably get hurt. He said, "no I won't... I do this all of the time." So I dared him, "do it then!" This is the end result:



Meanwhile, I fear that if I jump I will break a limb :-(